


The Shadow of Winter

by orphan_account



Series: The Assets of Hydra [2]
Category: Captain America, Marvel
Genre: ASL, Angst, Anxiety, As well as physical and emotional, Background Character Death, Basically a cocktail of mental trama, Child Abuse, Deaf Clint, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I continue forcing my love of the Hobbit onto everyone, It's in the past and none of the listed characters, Just thought I'd warn you lot, M/M, PTSD, The original female character has been through some fucked up shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-04-20 09:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14258532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Three years. Three goddamn years. This escape was three goddamn years in the making and damn it, she was getting out. Even if it meant her life.





	1. Breaking out isn't too hard... is it?

She could hear the faint clicking of the clock opposing her cell. In the past, it grated on her ears, reminding her of all the time that was passing while she was sitting in this cell, alone and scared. But now, now it was helping her. It was helping her time this just right. She tucked herself in the darkest corner of her cell, hiding away from their prying eyes, watching, waiting. There was a reason they’d taken to calling her Shadow.

It had been three years since she’d felt the earth beneath her feet, the sun on her face. Since she felt the breeze in her hair. It had been two and a half years since she had a friend, an ally in this hellhole. It had been three years since she’d been brought here. And… it’d been two and a half years since she had started planning her escape.  
…  
She didn’t know how she managed it, how she managed to sneak a knife out of one of their training session. Usually, they’re so careful about that, about making sure she had no weapons on her before they escorted her to her cell (especially after the last time she’d tried ages ago and managed to cut the artery of one of her escorts. He bled out). But not this time. She managed to slip out with a knife tucked away in her combat boot, hidden away from their prying eyes and ever watchful gaze. How they never noticed her hastily tuck it in, she’d never know, but she wasn’t going to question it.

Now, it was staying tucked away in her boot, patiently waiting for when she decided to use it, for when the time was right. She had taken the time to memorize the guard schedule (helped that they never tried to change it. They made it insultingly easy). They would switch off every hour, and every half hour, there would be no one within earshot of her cell. It had been almost thirty minutes since the guard change. It was almost time.

She didn’t know why they’d decided that she was docile enough to only warrant a single guard outside her cell. She didn’t know why they did anything really, and again, she wasn’t going to question it. They’d decided this only a few months ago. Why, she didn’t know. After all, she had only started becoming compliant a year ago. She had to though if her plan was going to work. That being said, she never thought they’d be so stupid as to position only a single guard outside her cell. Of course, they were also stupid enough to believe that she wouldn’t try to escape again. This time though, if all went right, she’d get much farther than she’d ever gotten before.  
…  
Shadow took a deep breath when she saw the second-hand inch closer and closer to the twelve. She was so close, it was almost time. She got to her feet slowly, trying to be as silent as possible. She slowly crept closer to the cell door, slowly pulling out the blade from her boot. She trained her eyes on the guard’s vulnerable neck, unprotected by any armour. She heard the fatal click of the clock announced that it was exactly 3:30 am and drove the blade into his neck, severing the artery before he could say a word. He went down with little more then a soft gurgle of blood and Shadow grabbed the key from his belt. As quickly as she could, she unlocked the cell door, opening it without a sound (much to her relief). She grabbed the gun the guard was carrying when her hand grazed over the holster they forced her to wear and her eyes fell on the handgun on the guard’s side. She grabbed it and tucked it away, safe. She didn’t know how much time she had before someone noticed her absence, so she had to move quickly. She had to move.

She didn’t want to use the gun, but she couldn’t risk someone raising the alarm. She couldn’t risk it. She flinched every time the shots echoed through the corridors as she shot another guard. Every shot she fired, it prevented someone from raising the alarm and informing everyone of the escaped asset. But every shot she fired also risked the chances of being caught, of someone hearing the gunshots and putting two and two together. She just couldn’t catch a break it seemed. She just moved quickly, hoping against all hope that she’d make it, that she’d finally get out and taste the sweet freedom she’d been robbed of so long ago. She saw the exit sign just a short way away, the red glowing bright in the darkness, looking almost menacing. She felt a wave of relief wash over her, almost drowning her. She was so close, so fucking close! Just a few more-  
“Shadow!”  
Ah fuck. She glanced behind her and saw a crowd of at least twenty people, with one man standing apart from the crowd. How did she… how did she not hear them?  
“That’s quite enough from you young lady. Put the gun down and go back to your cell.” Said the man, shrowded in shadows, hiding his face. She shuddered, picturing his lear.  
She didn’t comply this time, however. She didn’t comply lick she would’ve in the past. If she complied, that was it. There went her one chance at freedom, her one chance to escape. No, this time, this time she was going to fight back. She was going to push back. Even if it meant her dead on the floor, anything, anything, was better then that damned cell.  
“Fuck you.” She snarled, aiming the gun for his head, taking a deep breath as she slowly stepped away, trying to get closer and closer to the door.  
“Shadow, put down your weapon and returned to your cell. If you do, you will not be punished. You’ll receive no punishment if you comply.” A lie. A blatant lie.  
“Kiss my ass!” She snarled, baring her teeth.  
It was fairly obvious that the man was not pleased with her statement. He snapped his fingers, the sound deafening in the corridor. Everyone around his took aim. Shadow fired and hit him in the shoulder. She. Fucking. Missed. But, she didn’t have time to care right now. She was too busy running for the exit. She ran into the door, shoulder first and stumbled out of it, almost falling over from the force, but managing to stay on her feet. She sprinted down the field towards the nearby woods. She had no idea where she was, but dear god, anything was better than that hellhole. She just managed to run past the tree line when she heard the distant barking of dogs. Oh dear god, they brought out the dogs.  
“Find her!” She heard a woman scream. “Bring her back alive!”  
Of course. Of course, they weren’t going to kill her. They were getting desperate. They needed a weapon. She knew it, they knew she knew it. Shadow jumped over roots and rocks, trying to find some place where she could hide. Anywhere would’ve been fine. Literally anywhere. She sprinted down a small creek, trying not to slip on the rocks, following the water for a few metres before turning and sprinting further still. Maybe, if she was lucky, the dogs would get confused. She came to a sheer slope and swallowed thickly. She checked the magazine of the rifle. Empty. Useless. It was pointless to carry around now. She threw it as far away as she could before turning to the slope and grabbing an exposed root. She slowly made her way up, grunting and straining to reach the next hold. She could hear the dogs barking, getting closer and closer to her. She glanced behind her and saw, in the distance, at least three dogs running towards her. She scrambled over the edge and got to her feet, running as fast as she could away from them. She wasn’t going to go back. Never again.  
…  
She slit the woman’s throat before taking her gun. Shadow sprinted away, hoping that no one caught wind of her. She was silently relieved that there was a strap to carry the rifle more easily. She could climb the trees with little to no issue now. She slung the rifle over her shoulder before scrambling up the tree, moving quickly and silently.

Shadow couldn’t remember much from before Hydra. She couldn’t remember her name or her home. She couldn’t remember her family, though she did know that she had parents and a sibling. They were shadows at the edge of her mind, just out of reach. She couldn’t remember much of anything. But, she was fairly certain that she had never, in her life climbed a tree. But she didn’t let that stop her. She couldn’t let it stop her. She stayed close to the trunk, ignoring the bark scratching her skin, threatening to cut her open. She pulled herself up into the branches, hiding among the leaves. She couldn’t stay up in the tree for long, not unless she wanted them to find her. She looked around wildly, trying to figure out a way to travel without leaving the safety of the treetops. She did notice one of the branches of a neighbouring tree that was close by.  
‘Jump on it. Do it. You can make it.’  
This had to be the stupidest idea she’d ever had (at least, it was right up there with her idea to try sliding down a snowy slope on her belly… wait. When was that?). Shadow took a deep breath and jumped. She made it… barely. She managed to scramble to the trunk and cling to it before the branch broke underneath her weight. She swallowed thickly, wondering what possessed her to do that. I mean, what the fuck? She took a deep breath and looked around, trying to find another branch to jump onto. As crazy as it was, it… it could work.  
...  
Goddamn her arm hurt. It really, really hurt. Shadow cradled her left arm, staring at the large chuck of wood sticking out of it, laughing at her, mocking her. Now, in her defence, she didn’t know the tree was dead. That being said, in hindsight, she really should’ve known that. There was nothing about that tree that was alive. Absolutely fucking nothing. She looked up towards the sky and through the canopy of leaves. Just faintly, she could make out the moon, shining brightly overhead. It was… comforting. Did she… did she like the moon? Before… before everything happened? Shadow slumped against the tree trunk and sighed, closing her eyes. She should rest now if she wanted to escape.  
…  
What the fuck happened? How long did she sleep? The moon was no longer overhead, but… nor was the sun. She could just make out the moon peeking over the horizon. She could’ve sworn it was mocking her this time. Asshole.  
“I slept through the whole fucking day.” She whispered, her voice hoarse. Oh, this was bad. This was very, very bad.  
She scrambled down, ignoring the pain in her arm. She sprinted through the trees, trying to make as much distance as she could. She bounded over rocks and roots, trying to make up for lost time. Why did she sleep for so long? What if they’d caught her?  
…  
The universe just loved fucking with her. She really should’ve noticed the hole before her foot got caught. But she didn’t. Now, she was lying on the ground after landing with a heavy thud, trying to breathe through the pain shooting through her ankle. Okay, it was either broken or sprained. Which one, she had no fucking clue. She carefully pulled her foot out of the hole and tried putting just a tiny bit of weight on it. Nope! Nope, bad idea, nope! She shook from the pain, but she didn’t cry out. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk her freedom because of a little pain. She bit her lip and limped on, carefully stepping over rocks and roots, keeping her eyes peeled for holes this time. She managed to find an old abandoned foxhole near a clearing and crawled in, shaking. She laid down into the dirt, taking a breath. She’d move again in a couple of hours. For now, she would lick her wounds.  
…  
She noticed the sound first. A loud whirring filled the air, causing her to tense up in fear. She slowly moved her head out and looked up towards the sky and saw a large black aircraft. Her heart leapt into her throat, choking her. Oh god, they were coming. The aircraft landing in the clearing and the back opened up silently. Shadow ducked down, keeping low to the ground as she watched two figures make their way out. They were armed by the looks of it. One of them was carrying a large disc (What? Why were they carrying that?). She could faintly hear them talking and strained her ears to listen.  
“Spread out, I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.” Said the one with the disc (seriously? Why did they have a disc?).  
Shadow cocked the rifle and silently scrambled out of the foxhole, ready to kick ass and take them down with her. She crept over, staying low to the ground. She came to the edge of the clearing, still hidden by the plant life, squinting. Fucking clouds. She couldn’t quite make out the people’s faces. Thankfully, the moonlight managed to break through the wall of clouds for a brief minute and she saw a glint of metal… on an… arm? Was this… was this person wearing some type of armour? She remained completely still for several more minutes, waiting for the moon to peek out again. Finally, the moonlight managed to break through again and she could see one of the people. They carried a rifle and… it was the armoured guy. The arm… looked… that wasn’t… it can’t be. It can’t be.

Shadow was used to lies. Really, that was all she could properly remember. That’s all Hydra fed her, lies. They weren’t going to put her in the chair. They did. They weren’t going to punish her for getting something wrong. They did. They weren’t going to hurt the kid. They did. Every single goddamn time, they did. Lies were not a foreign concept to her. When all you were told were lies and deceit, you got used to it pretty quick. After a while, the crushing feeling of disappointment wasn’t so bad.

Of course, one might argue that she was a pessimist. Really, it could be him. Maybe he survived and came for her like they’d promised to each other so many years ago? But no. If there was one thing she’d learned, if there was one thing Hydra taught her, it was that she was a realist. She knew what Hydra was like. They were cruel, manipulative, willing to do anything possible to get what they want. She didn’t expect anything different from them, so why would she expect something different from them now? 

She aimed the gun at the person’s head, stepping out of the bushes. She had the element of surprise on her side. She slowly walked forward, unsure of where the other person was. She had to be careful. She had to be. She flinched when she stepped on an unseen branch. Not even a second later, the person with the rifle quickly turned and aimed, as ready to kill as she was. The moon decided to peek out again at just the right moment and Shadow saw…  
“Winter?”  
…  
When Jarvis reported to them that there was a Hydra base that was in absolute chaos, Bucky wasn’t sure what to think. He was hoping silently that maybe, just maybe it was Shadow. After over two years, maybe they finally knew where she was being held. He took a deep breath and prayed silently to… whoever was willing to listen that she was okay. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over at Steve, who was smiling gently.  
“We’ll find her Buck, I’m sure of it.” He said, trying to keep Bucky’s hopes up.  
Bucky swallowed thickly as they flew over the location.  
“I know… I know we will. I’m… I’m just afraid of how we’ll find her.” He said, his voice soft.  
When they landed, Steve kissed his forehead before opening the door.  
“We’ll find her, just breathe.”  
Steve broke away, going off to scout around the area. Bucky remained near the quinjet, just in case. Turns out it was a good idea.

“Winter?”  
Bucky lowered his gun and stared at the young… woman in front of him. Shadow’s hair was hanging just past her shoulders. It looked like she’s cut it with a knife. It was limp and greasy and she had a wild, scared look in her eyes. Bucky’s eyes fell on the massive chunk of wood sticking out of her arm, along with all the many smaller splinters poking out to say hello. He stared at how haggard she was.  
Oh my god. Winter whispered. She’s… she’s alive.  
Bucky nodded slowly. It had been over two years since he last saw her. It was a relief to see her again but… he didn’t know what he was dealing with.  
“Shadow… you… you’re alive.”  
Okay, not the best thing he could’ve opened up with. Really, he should’ve said something else, but he had no idea what to say! Shadow didn’t lower her rifle.  
“Where’s the other one?” She snarled, baring her teeth. Winter noticed how her teeth looked… off. They looked just a hair on the side of too sharp. Too… animalistic. “Where’s the other guy?”  
Bucky put his hands up in an attempt to calm her.  
“His name is Steve.” He said, keeping his voice calm. “He’s scouting ahead to try and find you. He’s my friend, he wouldn’t hurt you. I promise.” Bucky smiled at her softly.  
Shadow looked uncertain, glancing past him to look into the quinjet.  
“Are there others? Are there more?”  
Bucky shook his head, smiling softly.  
“No, I promise you, there’s no one else in there. No one’s gonna hurt you.” He stretched out a hand, praying she’d take it. “You’re free.”  
Shadow stared at his hand for a moment.  
“That’s… that’s not your arm.” She said, her voice soft like she was afraid to speak. “It’s different.”  
How did she even notice that?  
“I got a new arm. A better arm. It’s lighter and doesn’t need so much maintenance. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”  
“You… you wanted it?” She asked, her voice wavering.  
Bucky nodded, smiling gently.  
“Don’t you worry, it was my choice. I was put under and some nice doctors took care of all the metal in my body. When I woke up, I had this arm. It didn’t hurt at all and it was my choice. A friend offered and I said yes.”  
Shadow reached out, her hand shaking slightly.  
She looks so scared. Winter whispered. Don’t be scared.  
She lightly touched the hand, her eyes wide with awe and curiosity.  
“Can you… can you feel that?” She asked, her voice soft.  
Bucky nodded and grinned widely. Yes, he could feel light touches now.  
“Shadow,” He whispered, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I know a place where you’ll be safe. They can patch you up and help you feel better like they did me. You can trust us.”  
Shadow stared at him for a moment, looking unsure and he’d dare say even a little scared. She opened her mouth to say something when Steve stumbled out from the bushes. Bucky had never seen her move so fast. Almost faster then he could blink, Shadow had her gun aimed at Steve, trained to kill, but she didn’t fire. She stared at Steve down the barrel of her gun, breathing heavily. Bucky reached out and put his hand on the gun, lowering it.  
“It’s okay. That’s Steve.” He said, his voice gentle. “He won’t hurt you, he’s my friend.”  
Shadow watched him worriedly, still looking unsure. Steve slowly walked forward, his arms up in a gesture of peace.  
“I’d hate to break up the moment, but there are Hydra agents not far from here. If we want to get out safely, I suggest we move now.” Steve said, glancing behind him nervously.  
Bucky nodded and turned to Shadow, who had a scared look on her face.  
“Come on, you’ll be okay.”  
…  
Shadow was curled up on a bench in the quinjet with Steve’s bomber’s jacket draped over her shoulders. She held her left arm out for Bucky so that he could pull out the splinters. He had managed to get the large chunk of wood out. It was the little splinters that were more challenging. With every splinter he pulled out, she didn’t say a word. She never even flinched. She just stared at him, her eyes looking almost vacant. He was checking over her left arm, trying to see if there were any splinters he missed when,  
“You’re alive.” Her voice sounded terrible like she hadn’t spoken in months. “They… they told me you were killed… when the helicarriers went down.”  
Bucky glanced at her face, seeing the fear and sadness in her eyes and smiled softly, squeezing her hand in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.  
“Well, they were wrong. I got out just fine. I’m good, see?”  
He held out his arms, smiling when he noticed the faint smile on her face.  
“You got out.” She said, a look of relief on her face. “You… you got away.”  
Bucky nodded, a wave of regret and guilt trying to drown him in self-doubt and other bullshit. God, why did he just leave her there?  
“Ya,” His voice cracked just a little. “And you got away too. We both got away.”  
Shadow was silent for a few moments, fiddling with the jacket over her shoulders. She took a deep breath and asked,  
“Where did you go? What… what did you do after you got away?”  
Bucky thought back to before, when he was trying to survive on the streets. Maybe he shouldn’t tell her that part. Probably not the best idea.  
“I… I found Steve.” He said, choosing his words carefully. “He helped me remember who I was before everything happened.”  
Shadow looked over at Steve, who was reading something on a tablet, a serious expression on his face.  
“Is... is he… is he the boy? The one who kept picking fights and… and getting sick?” She asked, looking… almost excited.  
Bucky nodded, smiling warmly.  
“Ya, he is. Steve was the boy that I remembered.”  
Shadow beamed, looking so happy for him. She looked so much better when she smiled. For a moment, if one ignored all the scars and blood, she looked… she looked like someone her age should look. Happy. Carefree. Bucky continued checking her over, wincing when he checked her ankle. He noticed that she wasn’t putting much weight on it, now he knew why.  
“What happened here?” He asked, trying to keep his voice level. He was going to kill the bastard who did this to her.  
“I… I caught it… in a hole when I was running. I don’t think it’s broken… but I’m not really sure.” Shadow said, hugging herself. “I know it hurts like a bitch though.”  
Bucky carefully removed the boot, mildly surprised when he found a small, bloody knife tucked away in it. He checked over her ankle, keeping his touch light and gentle. It was sprained. He carefully wrapped it with bandages and told Steve to get some ice.  
“It’ll be cold, but it’ll help with the swelling,” Bucky said, taking the ice pack from Steve.  
Shadow winced when Bucky placed the ice pack on her ankle, but relax after a moment, still shivering from the cold.  
“Thank you.” She whispered, looking very tired. “Where… where are we going?”  
Steve crouched down, smiling at her.  
“New York, New York, USA,” Steve said, bouncing on the balls of his feet just a little. “We’ve got some friends there who can patch you up, don’t you worry.”  
Shadow nodded silently, pulling the jacket close.  
“Where were we before?”  
“Rural Russia,” Bucky said, sighing softly. “Thankfully during the fall, so that’s why you weren’t freezing.”  
Shadow nodded again before slumping against the wall.  
“When… when will we get to New York?” She asked, rubbing her eyes.  
‘Jarvis said we’d land in a couple of hours, weather permitting.” Steve said, picking up the tablet again. “In the meantime, try and get some rest. You’re gonna be fine.”  
Shadow nodded and sat in her spot in the corner, blinking tiredly. Bucky pat her shoulder and smiled at her. She smiled back before closing her eyes and curled up into a little ball. Just moments later, Bucky could hear a faint snore coming from her and he got to his feet. He walked over to where Steve sat before slumping down next to him, smushing his face into Steve’s shoulder.  
“I… I can’t believe she’s alive.” He whispered hoarsely. “I… I didn’t think she’d be alive.”  
Steve hugged Bucky close, rubbing his back.  
“Get some rest Buck, I’ll keep watch.”  
Bucky nodded and closed his eyes, leaving Steve to keep an eye on Shadow on the opposite end of the quinjet.


	2. On the road to recovery... kind of?

            It was just starting to rain when they finally landed in New York. Steve shook Bucky’s shoulder gently, waking him up before getting to his feet to collect their things. Bucky glanced over to Shadow, who was still fast asleep, curled up in a little ball.

_Didn’t she say that she like the rain?_ Winter asked.

            _‘Ya. Ya, she did say that.’_ Bucky thought, smiling softly at the memory.

            He walked over to her, hoping silently that maybe she still liked the rain. He gently shook her shoulder, keeping his touch light. Shadow slowly started to wake up, blinking blearily before staring at Bucky for a moment. Once her mind caught up and she realized that yes, she did know this man, she relaxed just a bit.

            “Where are we?” She asked, yawning widely.

            “We’re in New York,” Bucky said, helping her sit up before carefully putting her boot back on. “It’s raining right now, so you’ll want to move quickly.” He helped her to her feet, allowing her to lean on him.

            Shadow seemed to perk up when he mentioned the rain and stared out the open back of the quinjet at the cloudy, grey sky. She stared, her eyes wide as a small smile formed on her face. She took a deep breath and seemed to relax. Bucky and Steve helped her along, Steve ghosting behind her, but not touching her. They were only halfway to the door when she stopped, staring up at the sky with a faint smile on her face.

            “I… I got out.” She whispered, her voice soft, difficult to hear over the rain. “I’m out.”

            Bucky gently tugged on her arm, coaxing her to the door. He didn’t want to be out in the rain any longer than necessary.

            “Come on, let’s get inside before you catch a cold.”

             Shadow started walking again, this time moving slower, trying to savour the rain falling on her face. She stood just outside the door for a moment, her eyes closed as she felt the rainfall. Bucky and Steve stood in the doorway, hiding from the cold rain, watching her for a couple of minutes before trying to coax her inside because damn it, it was cold and wet and they were tired (and no doubt, so was Shadow).

…

            It took a few moments, but they managed to get Shadow to enter the building. They walked over to the elevator in silence. Shadow held the jacket close to her as she looked around the hallway, which was pretty fucking empty. They got into the elevator and she tucked herself into a corner, instantly feeling a little safer. Winter watched her but said nothing.

            “I… I remember…” She started, her voice trailing off, afraid to speak.

Winter smiled and gestured her to continue.

            “I remember… a… a storm. I… I was watching a… a storm… through a window. I… I was little.” She said, her voice soft.

            Bucky beamed, gently patting her shoulder. She took comfort in the touch and looked around the elevator, feeling very nervous. She watched the screen announcing which floor they were on, hugging herself close. Floor 53, 52, 51, and they just kept going down, down, down until finally, after what felt like an eternity, they reached the fortieth floor. Bucky gently ushered Shadow out, but she made sure she was behind him. She peeked around him, staring at the walls, of the small lobby they were in. There were a few paintings. Nothing out of the ordinary. They walked up to a door, which opened with a soft whoosh, before entering and… sweet Jesus. That’s… that’s a lot of people.

 

            Shadow tensed up, swallowing thickly before hiding behind Winter again, trying to make herself even smaller. Maybe, if she tried hard enough, she’d disappear. That was a possibility, right? She tucked herself into Winter’s back, hiding away from all the eyes. And yet, she could still feel them on her. What, they’d never seen a beat up, malnourished teen before? (Was she a teen? She wasn’t entirely sure anymore) The feeling of discomfort only grew the longer the eyes were on her and all that ran through her head was,

_‘Welp, it’s time to gtfo. Seriously, get out. Now. Go. Vamoose.’_

            She started tugging on Winter’s jacket, trying to get his attention. She needed to get out, _now_. This was only getting worse and worse and if she were here any longer, she might just… well, she wasn’t sure. But it wouldn’t be nice! Winter turned around, moving carefully to make sure that his body was still shielding her away from the prying eyes as best he could (thank god).

            “There are too many people,” She said in soft German. “Why are they staring at me?”

            “They’re only here to help,” Bucky replied, responding in German. “They’re not going to hurt you. They didn’t hurt me, they won’t hurt you.”

            “But I… I don’t _know_ them!” She persisted, her hands starting to shake. “I don’t know them like you do. And… and they don’t know me like you do! I… what if they… what if they try and hurt me? Like they did?” She asked, her voice trailing off.

            Winter froze for a brief moment before sighing and gently taking her shoulders in an attempt to ground her.

            “They won’t. You know why?” A shake. “They’re helping me take down Hydra. They hate them, just as much as you or I do. They want to help you because they realise that you’ve had an injustice done. They won’t hurt you, okay?”

            Shadow gripped his jacket sleeve, her knuckles white. She nodded slowly and took a deep breath before slowly looking past Winter to look at the small crowd of people before them. She took a deep breath before looking at Winter again.

            “Promise you’ll stay, please? I don’t… I can’t be alone again.”

            He smiled gently and squeezed her shoulder.

            “I can do that for you. It’s okay.”

            Shadow took another deep breath before stepping out from behind Winter (still holding onto his jacket sleeve).  She stared at the small gathering of people, trying to get a read on them. At first glance, they seemed relatively normal (whatever that meant), but the longer she watched them, the more she noticed certain things that seemed… off. The man with the black hair and goatee had something glowing in his chest. The woman with the red hair looked like she could easily kill someone with her pinkie. Broken. The man with the long, blond hair looked like he could crush her like a bug. All of them had an air that made them… well, strange. Not necessarily a bad strange, no, but strange none the less. The woman with the red hair stepped forward and smiled gently.

            “My name is Natasha.” She said in fluent German. “It’s nice to meet you.”

            Fuck. They knew German. They could understand what she was saying. _Fuck_.

            “Uh… hi.” Shadow said, tightening her grip on Winter’s jacket. “You don’t… you don’t have to speak… speak German. I… I know English.” She wanted to turn and run.

            “I didn’t want to assume,” Natasha said, still smiling, but there was something about her eyes that made Shadow feel… weird. “I’m guessing you picked it up?”

            “I… I had to.”

            The air in the room seemed to change. Everyone had a pained look on their face. The big blond dude looked ready to rip a bitch.

            “Um… it’s… it’s nice to meet you, Natasha.” She said, trying to repair the situation (though it was like trying to fix a massive crack in a wall with dollar store scotch tape. It wasn’t going well).

            Natasha nodded slowly, and the smile returned, abid forced. Another man came up behind Natasha, this one had short blond hair, like Steve. But he wasn’t anywhere near as big as Steve.

            “My name’s Clint.” He said, smiling gently. His hands were moving as he spoke. “It’s nice to meet you.”

            Shadow watched his hands with a confused look on her face. The way he was moving his hands… it was… it was familiar. Why… why was it familiar?”

            “What are you… what are you doing… with… with your hands? It’s… it looks… familiar.”

            Everyone looked mildly surprised, especially Clint. He sputtered for a moment, before collecting himself and replying,

            “I was signing. It was ASL. Do you… do you know it?”

            Everyone’s eyes were on her again. Shadow pulled the bomber’s Jacket closer to her frame and frowned deeply, trying to scrounge up any memory of ASL (any that existed were just out of reach, flipping her off).

            “I… I don’t know. I think…” She glanced over to Winter, looking very confused. “Do you… do you know?”

            Winter shook his head, looking equally confused.

            “I didn’t teach you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

            Shadow looked down at her feet, looking frustrated. She huffed, annoyed, before shrugging slightly.

            “I don’t… I don’t know.” She muttered, her face scrunching up in frustration. “I don’t know how… how I recognized it.”

            Natasha watched her for a moment, making her feel very tiny like she had done something wrong and she was trying to decide what a good punishment would be. Shadow looked down for a moment, avoiding her gaze before glancing up from her feet. She felt a shred of relief when she saw Natasha smiling at her.

            “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

…

            To say Shadow was hesitant at first was an understatement. Her grip tightened before Winter offered to come with her, much to her relief. At least she would get one familiar face with her. So now, she was following Natasha, still clinging to Winter’s jacket sleeve, down a hall before being led into a fair sized bathroom. It had a _massive_ bathtub that Shadow could easily lie down in. Shadow moved to hide behind Winter.

Many thoughts raced through her head. What was going to happen? How was this going to go down? Was Natasha going to hose her down like they did? Would she hold her down under the water? What was going to happen? What was she going to do?

 

Natasha started filling the tub and Winter took Shadow’s hand in his before pulling her out from behind him (asshole). He began rubbing her back gently, trying to calm her down. Natasha looked over at her and smiled gently, trying to look as non-threatening as possible.

“Alright, now I need you to get undressed and into the water, okay?”

Shadow pressed against Winter, glaring at the water like it had insulted her mother. Nope. Fucking nope.

 

How she felt about water before… everything, she wasn’t really sure. But she did know that she fucking _hated_ it now. She hated when water was above her head. Shallow water… that was fine. It’s harder to drown in that (unless you’re an idiot. Or a baby). But the moment the water was higher than her knees, that’s when the panic snuck up behind her and started throttling her. Fun times.

 

Shadow swallowed thickly before looking into the tub hesitantly. The water wasn’t really that deep. It was a few inches a most. She would be fine in that.

_‘Nah mate, we’re gonna fucking die.’_

That’s a confidence booster, totally. It took several minutes of Winter and Natasha coaxing her, but eventually, she stood by the tub, hugging herself. There was a small pile of clothes and her boots on the floor in a crumpled heap. She stared at the bandages on her foot and arms and glanced over to Winter, a concerned expression on her face.

“What… what about the… the bandages?” She asked softly, holding her wounded arm closer to her person.

“It’ll be fine.” Said Natasha, who was setting a big, fluffy white towel down on the counter. “We can change them later, it’s no trouble.”

Shadow swallowed thickly and stared at the water with wide, fearful eyes. She could do this. She’d done far worse than taking a fucking bath! For fuck’s sake, she could walk on shards of broken glass without hesitation! She could get into a fucking bathtub filled with water! And yet, the moment anyone wanted her to get into a container of water, for whatever reason, she got shit your pants terrified. God fucking damn it.

            “Is everything okay?” Natasha asked, reaching out to place a hand on Shadow’s shoulder, but not quite touching.

            Shadow wasn’t sure how to answer that question. Winter… he trusted this woman, she was sure of that. But… they would punish her… won’t they? Wouldn’t they punish her for… for being afraid of fucking water?

            “I… I’m not…” She could feel the panic bubbling up in her throat. “I don’t… like… water.”

            Winter looked at her, confused for a brief moment before widening his eyes in realization. He knew exactly why she didn’t want to get in.

            “Shadow, the water is _strictly_ for cleaning you,” He said, his voice firm. “We are _not_ going to use it to hurt you in any way. I promise you. You’re going to be okay.”

            Shadow stared at him with wide eyes. God, she wanted to believe him so bad, but what could he do? What could he do to make her feel even a little safe? Winter seemed to sense the question on her mind and smiled softly.

            “How about this,” He said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll sit on the edge of the tub within grabbing range. If you get scared, you can grab my hand, okay?”

            That… that sounded… nice. That actually sounded really nice. She nodded tentatively and slowly got into the water, trying to ignore the faint sting of the water on old wounds. She took a deep breath as she slowly sat down, trying to keep calm. It wasn’t going to hurt. It wasn’t deep. Once she fully sat down, she stared at Winter with a look of shock.

            “It’s… it’s warm.”

            Winter nodded and smiled, sitting down on the edge, right where she could grab him, just in case.

            “Ya, it’s warm.” He said, holding out his left hand for her to grab if she needed it.

            Natasha grabbed a couple of bottles from the side of the tub while Shadow sat in the water, enjoying the warmth and comfort it brought. Natasha cleared her throat.

            “I’ll need to wet your hair so that we can clean it.”

            Shadow tensed up immediately. Oh god, oh god no. Sitting in the water was one thing, but water over her head? Nope. Fuck that. Death before dishonour. Shadow made to move, to get out of the tub, but before she could, Winter grabbed her left hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

            “It’ll be okay. Trust me, it feels nice.”

            Shadow clung to his hand, trying to ignore the panic threatening to come out from around the corner and choke her. She swallowed thickly and took a deep breath before nodding shakily.

            “Don’t… don’t let go.”

…

            Bucky wasn’t really sure how long it took to clean Shadow’s hair (he stopped keeping track after the first ten minutes). It was just so fucking thick and long and there was just so much grime. He was quite glad he never gave her his right hand, simply due to the sheer amount of force she was crushing it with. He didn’t complain though. He just rubbed his thumb over her knuckles and talked to her in a low tone, trying to keep her calm.

 

            What he was talking about, he wasn’t really sure. He was just… talking. He just talked about… anything and everything it seemed. Shadow seemed to calm down after Natasha rinsed out the soap again, running her fingers through the hair, trying to get it all before shampooing it again to try and get all the dirt and grime. Shadow tensed up like a coiled spring when Natasha went to rinse out the soap for the last time, not relaxing until Natasha was simply running her hand through her hair, trying to get it out from her face.

            “There, I bet that feels much nicer.” She said, smiling gently. Bucky made a mental note to get her something really fucking nice as a thank you. Maybe a gift basket.

            Shadow reached up with a shaky hand and tugged the hair gently.

            “’S too long.” She muttered before tensing at her words. She glanced at Bucky and Natasha with fear in her eyes.

            “We can cut it later,” Bucky said, smiling softly. “It’s okay, don’t worry.”

            Shadow nodded and seemed to relax slightly. She watched Natasha as she grabbed a washcloth and a bar of soap.

            “Do you want to do this part?” She asked, keeping her voice gentle.

            Shadow stared at the cloth before shrugging. Winter squeezed her hand.

            “We don’t speak shrug malen’kiy soldat,” Bucky said in a soft voice. He ignored Natasha’s knowing smirk. “You’re gonna have to speak up.”

            “I…” Shadow shook her head, looking very frustrated with herself. “I don’t know. I just… I just feel… really tired.”

            “I’ll do it then,” Natasha said before moving to start with Shadow’s back. “I’m going to start with your back and then I’ll move to the arms, okay?”

            Shadow nodded tiredly, trying to smother a yawn. Winter could faintly hear her sigh and saw just a hint of a smile grace her lips. Good, this was… this was good.

…

            The rest of the cleaning, more or less, went off without a hitch. Shadow clambered out of the tub with all the grace of a newborn giraffe and stood on the mat, dripping until Winter draped the towel over her shoulders. She nuzzled into the fuzzy warmth it provided, allowing herself to enjoy this little luxury. Winter towel dried her hair, squeezing out as much water as he could while Shadow stood there, trying to keep still. God, she couldn’t wait for that haircut. It was too fucking long for her liking. Natasha, who had left to get a change of clothing for her, slipped into the bathroom with a bundle of clothes tucked under her arm. She held out a pair of baggy looking sweatpants and a large t-shirt.

            “We’ll get you clothes that are more your size later, okay?” Natasha said, smiling gently.

            Shadow took them from her, marvelling at how soft they felt in her hands. She quickly got into them, feeling excited to have new, clean clothes that were soft and didn’t feel scratchy against her skin. She noticed Winter trying to cover up a smile.

            “What?” She asked, confused. Why was he smiling?

            “You look like a little kid.” He said, chuckling.

            Shadow glanced over at her reflection in the mirror. She supposed that yes, she did look rather… childlike in a way. The shirt was easily three sizes too big and hung off one shoulder. And the pants were clinging to her hips for dear life, begging not to fall to the ground. But, they were warm and soft and smelled really nice, so she didn’t give a rats ass.

            “Would you like me to fix your hair, so it doesn’t get in your face?” Natasha asked, gesturing to the loose hair in Shadow’s eyes.

            She thought for a moment, thinking to herself. What was she going to do? After a brief moment, she nodded slowly. She… she could trust her. Natasha was nice. Natasha carefully braided her hair, making sure to get every strand in. After a couple of minutes, Shadow was standing in the bathroom with her hair in a French braid.

            “There, that must feel much better,” Natasha said, patting her shoulder.

            Shadow nodded, running her fingers over the braid. It… it felt pretty cool.

…

            Shadow sat atop the bed, looking around the room. She was in the medical bay. One of the nurses, a really nice man who was very gentle with her, took her blood pressure and checked her eyes and ears. He was very nice, talking her through it and making little jokes about there being hamsters in her ears. Another nurse checked her hands and feet, clicking her tongue disapprovingly when she saw all the scarring that painted her skin, both old and new.

            “I don’t think we can really do anything about the scarring,” She said, shaking her head slightly. “But, we can take care of the newer stuff for you.”

 

            The entire time Shadow sat there, Winter sat on a chair just next to the bed where she could see him. He would smile and nod whenever she looked over at him.  After a few different nurses checked her over, cleaning and bandaging everything they could and noting everything they couldn’t, another man walked over to the bed. At first glance, he didn’t really seem like much. Just a small man with curly brown hair and glasses that threatened to slide off his nose every few minutes. He didn’t seem like a threat… but there was just something about him… something that Shadow couldn’t really place. Something that made him far more dangerous than looks could really say.

            “My name is Doctor Banner.” He said, holding out a hand to shake. Shadow took it after a moment’s hesitation and nodded slowly. “I’m just going to ask you a few questions, okay?”

            So he was interrogating her? Alright, nothing she hadn’t done before. She nodded slowly. She figured they were bound to do it eventually anyway.

            “Okay,” Doctor Banner said, sitting down on a chair and pulling out a pen. “Do you remember anything? Anything at all about what life was like before everything?” He asked, smiling gently.

            Shadow thought back, trying to dig up memories that were deep beneath the surface. Well… she could remember… holding her baby sibling, long ago. She could… she could remember sitting on someone’s lap, being… being read to. She could… she could remember a… a woman, a very pretty woman, who took her to… to see something. A movie, but she couldn’t quite remember what it was about. There were other memories but… they were faint and fragmented. They were like fog, escaping her grasp every time she tried to grab one.

            “I… a little.” She said, nodding slowly. “It’s… they’re…” The right words were on the tip of her tongue, just out of reach. “They’re fuzzy. Like… it’s like I’m looking through a dirty window. I… I can make out… bits and… and pieces… but not the whole picture.” She said, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. “Some parts of the window are… are cleaner than others… and… and I can make out more… but… but for the most part… I can’t really make out a lot.”

            Doctor Banner nodded and wrote something down on his clipboard (which had a little man dressed in red and gold armour on it… who was flying?).

            “Okay, that’s good to know.” He said, pushing his glasses up his nose. Can you tell me what they fed you?” He paused. “ _Did_ they feed you?”

            Shadow nodded, rubbing her eye for a moment. She felt really tired.

            “They… they fed me this… I don’t really know what it was. It was like… a… a paste? A kinda grey paste? They said it… it had everything I needed. It was fucking disgusting.” She shuddered, remembering the taste and feeling bile rise up in her mouth. It tasted how burnt rubber smelt, only with lots more fire… and sadness. “I… I didn’t really like it.”

            “And how often did they feed you?”

            Shadow shrugged at first.

            “It… it would depend. Sometimes… sometimes they would forget. Sometimes… they would withhold food because I wasn’t cooperating.” She shrugged again. “The last time I ate was…” Wait, when _was_ the last time she ate? It was… oh, yea. Three days before she put her plan into action. She said this to Doctor Banner, who looked horrified.

            “So you’re telling me… that you haven’t eaten… in… in a week?”

            Shadow nodded, not really sure what the big deal was. She had gone for much longer lengths of time without food. Once the stomach pains stopped, she was fine. She was… she was use to it. She noticed the look on Winter’s face. He looked ready to fucking shank someone with their own rib bone. Shadow tensed. Did she… did she do something wrong? Doctor Banner called over a nurse and asked him to bring some light filling foods as well as apple juice.

            “Is… is something wrong?” Shadow asked, her heart in her throat. “Did… did I do something wrong?”

            “No, no you did nothing wrong.” Doctor Banner soothed, the smile on his face strained. It’s just… well… people need to eat two to three meals a day. Some people only have one, big meal every day, but that more depends on the culture.”

            Shadow stared at him with wide-eyed shock. How… how can _anyone_ eat that many times a day?

 

            Doctor Banner continued to ask her questions. How are you feeling? What did they do to you? Describe your living conditions. Shadow answered all of them to the best of her abilities, taking note of the expressions on Winter’s and Doctor Banner’s faces. Doctor Banner stopped the questions when the nurse came in with a tray of food. He placed it on the little table on wheels.

            “Here you go, kid.” He said, his smile warm and inviting. “Eat slowly, you don’t wanna make yourself sick.”

            Shadow stared at the food, curious. She was relieved to see that they weren’t giving her that fuck-awful grey paste (Jesus that stuff was terrible). Instead, they gave her several slices of buttered toast, water down tomato soup and a tall plastic glass of apple juice. The smell of the food alone made her mouth water and her stomach growl. The paste didn’t have a smell (a small blessing). She tentatively took a bite, unsure of the taste. She found that she rather enjoyed it and continued eating, chewing slowly just like they asked her to. It took twenty or so minutes before she finally finished the toast and soup and now she was sipping the apple juice through a bendy straw.

            “Do you feel any better?” Doctor Banner asked, smiling gently.

            Shadow nodded silently, smiling faintly. It felt good to have food in her stomach and it was a relief that it actually tasted pretty good. The juice tasted nice too.

            “Okay, that’s good to hear.” Doctor Banner said, glancing through his notes. “Now… you’re malnourished. In order to help you with that, we need to hook you up to an IV to feed you essential nutrients while your body gets use to solid food again.”

            Shadow tensed up and began sipping her juice with a little more intensity. Oh god, not needles. She fucking _hated_ needles. Needles only meant bad things. They meant pain, they meant burning, they meant her lying on the floor of her cell unable to move because of the pain.

            “I… I… do you… I…” And her fucking voice was failing her too. Great. Lovely. Just what she always wanted. Yay.

            Doctor Banner leaned forward, smiling gently.

            “I know you’re probably apprehensive about this, but it _is_ necessary. There’s a special device we can put into your arm so that we can take out the IV whenever and put it back in without piercing your skin more than necessary. It’s called a catheter. It’ll help you in the long run.”

            Shadow took a long, slow sip of apple juice, trying to stall. She stared at her lap nervously before looking over to Winter, fucking shitting bricks. He nodded his head.

            “You’ll be okay. Bruce knows what he’s doing.”

            She closed her eyes and nodded nervously. Doctor Banner gave her a smile and got up to get the appropriate materials. She looked over to Winter, reaching out to him slightly, her hand shaking.

            “Could you… could I… I… goddamnit.” She muttered. The words were on the tip of her tongue! Why won’t they come?

            “Would you like to sit on my lap?” Winter asked, leaning forward on his arms.

            Shadow nodded slowly, hugging herself close. Winter nodded before getting to his feet. With a little shifting and a lot of awkward movements, Shadow ended up sitting on Winter’s lap, leaning against his chest while listening to his heartbeat. This was familiar and safe and oh fucking great. Doctor Banner was back with everything he needed. Fucking…. great.

…

            Shadow tucked herself into his chest, hugging herself close when Bruce came close to her.

            “It’s okay malen’kiy soldat,” Bucky said, gently rubbing her back. He could remember her screaming bloody murder when they would inject her. He knew she hated needles. He couldn’t really blame her for being afraid.

            “May I have your left arm? Bruce asked, smiling gently with his arm outstretched.

            Shadow took a deep breath before shoving her arm over to him, pressing her face into Bucky’s chest. She was shaking worse than before. Bucky continued to rub her back, humming softly in an attempt to soothe her and to help her relax. Bruce set to work and within a minute, Shadow now had an IV in her arm. She stared at it with a look of fear and discomfort.

            “It’s… there’s… there's nothing bad in it… right? You… you promise?” She looked at Bruce with wide, scared eyes.

            Bruce shook his head, ever patient.

            “There’s nothing but good stuff in it, I promise. Just nutrients and stuff to keep you hydrated.”

            “There… there are no sedatives?”

            Winter tensed up and tightened his hold. They would sedate them from time to time in order to prevent them from growing too erratic. They must have started doing far more whenever she grew erratic after his disappearance. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself.

            “No, there are no sedatives,” Bruce said, smiling gently. “The only reason we would _ever_ sedate you is if you were to pose a danger to yourself or others. I promise you, we would not sedate you without good reason.”

            Shadow nodded hesitantly, hiding her face in Winter’s chest. She handed him her left arm but didn’t look at Bruce. She screwed her eyes shut in anticipation of the pain.

            “Thanks Bruce,” Winter said, smiling softly. “This means a lot, really.”

            Bruce shrugged as he worked on getting everything set up.

            “I’m just glad I can help.” He said before looking over to Shadow. “Hey… is there… is there anything we can do? To help you feel safer?”

            It took several minutes for Shadow to even look at Bruce, much less talk to him. But, after taking a few deep breaths, she said,

            “Can… can Winter stay here? With me? To… to keep watch?”

            Bruce looked over to Winter, trying to get a read on what he thought.

            “I don’t mind. It’s no trouble really.”

            Bruce nodded and smiled at Shadow again.

            “That’s perfectly fine. I’ll leave you be right now, I’m sure you’re tired. Try and get some rest okay?”

            Shadow nodded slowly and closed her eyes, slumping against Winter. He smiled softly and rubbed her back. It would be okay. It would all be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom! Second chapter bitches! Whoop whoop!  
> I sincerely hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and that maybe, you like it enough to maybe comment? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink? Know what I mean, know what I mean?
> 
> But seriously, I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter and I'll try and update within the next week or two. Until next time!


	3. Nightmares are so much fun, aren't they?

            Steve ran a hand through his hair as he walked past the doors leading into the medical bay. His eyes swept the room before they fell on Bucky sitting on the medical bed with Shadow passed out on his lap. He smiled softly as he walked over to them. He noticed that Shadow’s left arm was flopped out, away from her body, while the rest of her was curled up into a tight little ball. How she was comfortable, Steve wasn’t sure, but who was he to question it? He placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, kneading it with his fingers.

            “How is she?” He asked, watching Bucky’s face.

            Bucky sighed heavily and shook his head. He gently squeezed Shadow’s hand.

            “Well… she… she seems to be doing okay now. She… she has a fear of needles… and water.” He adjusted his grip on her and looked at Steve with sad eyes. “It took her over an hour to even relax enough to fall asleep. She’s… she’s really on edge Steve.”

            Steve pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down, leaning on his elbows on the mattress.

            “I’m guessing she doesn’t want to be alone huh?” Steve asked in a gentle voice, placing a hand on Bucky’s ankle.

            He shook his head, giving Shadow a gentle squeeze.

            “No… but you can’t really blame her now can you?”

            “No, no you can’t.” Steve rested his head against Bucky’s thigh, making sure to avoid Shadow for fear of disturbing her. “I can take her off your hands so you can go change and get cleaned up if you want. You look like you could use a shower anyway.”

            Bucky glanced down at the sleeping girl in his arms and shook his head tiredly.

            “I don’t… I don’t really want to leave her alone, you know? I don’t want her to wake up and start panicking because she doesn’t see a familiar face or something.”

            Steve nodded and squeezed Bucky’s ankle. The both of them tensed up when Shadow shifted, whining softly and twitching. Oh god… she was having a nightmare, wasn’t she? Steve glanced over to Bucky before reaching out and placing a hand on her knee. Bucky held her close while rubbing her back, trying to soothe her back to a restful sleep.

            “Well… this is familiar.” Bucky whispered, trying to comfort her before the demons woke her from her sleep. “I use to… I use to do this before.”

            Steve glanced over at Bucky and smiled gently, squeezing Bucky’s ankle in an attempt to bring comfort.

            “She’ll be okay Buck, I’m sure of it.”

…

            Shadow wasn’t… sure of where she was. At least, not at first. It was too dark to tell really. She couldn’t even see her own hand in front of her face. But then… then everything started becoming more and more clear, filling her stomach with dread and making her long for the comforting nothing of darkness.

 

            She was strapped to a device that she was all too familiar with. Lying facedown, while strapped to a table that was elevated at a forty-five-degree angle. Her arms were stretched out in front of her, strapped to long boards with thick leather straps to keep them secure. Oh… oh, sweet Jesus. She felt the bile rise up, threatening to choke her and she started struggling against the bonds. Not that it ever did anything, but it was worth a shot.

 

            When she was in this position, that meant that she was about to be in a metric fuckton of pain very soon. A pain that felt like fire ripping through her veins. A pain that threatened to gag her with her screams, screams she couldn’t even let out. She started struggling against her bonds, even more, growing more and more panicked. She could hear people around her, hear their footsteps over the blood pounding in her ears, but she couldn’t see them, which only added to the terror. She tried to pull against the straps securing her arms, hoping against hope that somehow, they would budge. She froze when she felt a frigid hand on the back of her neck, brushing her hair out of the way. The touch was light, gentle, one might even say flirtatious, and this caused her to gag in fear.

            “Is it ready?” A distant voice said, the words echoing in her ears.

            Shadow could feel tears streaming down her face as she started hyperventilating. Oh dear god, please! Please! Anything but this! She felt a hand force her head down, pressing her forehead against the cold, steel table before feeling the needle slowly break through the skin of her neck. They started injecting and…

 

            She let out a scream that could only be described as an animal being doused in flames. Her muscles were spasming, her body twitching violently to get away from the pain and she struggled against her bonds. It felt as though they were cutting her open with a rusted knife and were then pouring acid into her wounds. She screamed, begging and pleading for it to stop, for the agony to fucking end.

            “Please! Please, I’ll be good! I’ll do what you want! Please!”

            Not that the begging and pleads for mercy ever did anything. She could faintly hear them talking over her deafening screams, no doubt jotting down her body’s reactions to whatever the fuck they were pumping into her this time. She couldn’t make out what they were saying, she didn’t want to. She just wanted it to _end_. She steeled herself, knowing that the pain would ebb away after several long, torturous minutes and she’d be okay, save for the burning feeling throughout her body and the fact that she would not be able to even stand, let alone walk. That’s what happened. She was use to it. And then the pain kicked up to an eleven.

 

            How could she even describe it? Well, the pain before was like she was cut open, doused in acid and then thrown into a raging bonfire like it was the fifth of November and she was Guy Fawkes. But now? Now it was like she was being skinned alive with the dullest, rustiest knife in existence before being doused in the most corrosive acids available and being launched into the fucking sun. All and all, it was not a fun time. She wasn’t even sure she was screaming anymore. She wasn’t even sure if she was capable of screaming. It felt like someone was trying to rip out her vocal cords with their bare fucking hands. It felt like her bones were cracking and breaking and shattering before fusing back together to create… Satan or some shit. Everything burned, everything screamed in pure agony and she just wanted to fucking die. Death would be a far kinder existence! She couldn’t even struggle against her bonds anymore. What were the people doing? Why was no one helping? What did she do to deserve this? Everything hurt and… and… wait. What… what was that?

…

            The first thing Shadow registered was someone rubbing her back. They moved slowly and gently, trying to calm and soothe her. Then she could make out someone… talking to her. The voice was muffled and distorted… but it sounded kind. It sounded warm. She opened her eyes with a gasp, relieved to be breathing in precious oxygen rather than pure pain and torment. She looked up to see Winter watching her worriedly. His lips were moving… but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. All she could hear was a ringing in her ears like she was standing next to an explosion. She felt hot tears fill her eyes before cascading down her face in a free fall.

 

She stared at Winter in confusion and a little fear. Wasn’t he suppose to be dead? Did she die? Did… did Hydra kill her with that last experiment? What… she looked around the room to try and understand what the fuck was even going on. Oh ya… she… she escaped. She got out. Winter was alive and… and she was in a medical bay in New York, New York, USA. She was… she was safe. She was… Winter was safe. She swallowed thickly and put her head in her hands, trying to drown out the ringing in her ears. She took a deep breath and looked over to Winter, tears streaming down her face. She opened her mouth to tell him what was wrong, but no words came. Nothing but a feeble croak. Why… why couldn’t she talk? What was… what was happening? She tightened the hold on her head and took a deep breath, trying to calm down but it… it wasn’t _working_. Nothing was working! But then…

            “Shadow? Are you okay?”

            Shadow opened her eyes and stared at Winter, relief fucking flooding her senses.

            “Y-ya. I… I’m okay.” She croaked, her voice sounding hoarse and broken. “I’m fine, honest.”

 She noticed Steve watching her with a  concerned look on his face. She slumped against Winter and waved to him timidly. Please stop staring, please.

“Malen’kiy soldat, you know you don’t have to lie to us, right?” Winter said in a gentle tone, still rubbing her back.

            “I… I’m not.” She whispered. “Really, I just… I’m fine. It was just…”

She didn’t know what to say. What was she even meant to say? She did… she did feel safer. Now that she wasn’t… there. She wasn’t strapped to that table, she wasn’t getting injected with god knows what. She was… she was safe, she felt safe. She held onto Winter’s jacket and took a deep breath.

“I… I’ll be okay, honest.”

            She didn’t say anything after that, choosing to and hide in Winter’s chest, away from the world and her prying eyes. She relaxed slightly. The Kevlar of Winter’s jacket was rough against her cheek… but it was comforting all the same.

            “Do you wanna talk about it? About your nightmare?” Steve asked, smiling gently at her.

            Shadow silently shook her head before closing her eyes. No, she didn’t want to relive it again. Not now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it's been a little more than two weeks. Oops.
> 
> But the chapter's here now and I've been working on future chapters. Of which there are many. Like... Jesus, there's so many.
> 
> This is a short chapter, I know that. I promise you, chapter 4 is longer. It's like double this chapter.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll try and post before Armageddon next time and feel free to leave a comment. I always love hearing what you guys think!  
> Until next time!


	4. She's going on an adventure!

            Steve… didn’t know what to do. He had no fucking clue really. He had no idea what he was supposed to do when Bucky showed up soaked on his fire escape, and he didn’t know what to do now with a young woman who had been through very similar if not the same events. He never would’ve guessed that this would all happen after he signed up for the army and allowed Dr Eriksine to pump him full of whatever that day. He shook his head and sighed softly.

            “How’d this all happen to me?” He muttered, resting his head on top of his arms.

 

            He watched Shadow as she slept, sitting upright mind. How she was comfortable in that position, Steve wasn’t entirely sure. He supposed it was simply a habit for her by now. She just used to it, it was familiar.

 

            Bucky had gone off to get changed and shower. He was apprehensive to leave Shadow alone, especially after her nightmare, but Steve insisted.

            “Get cleaned up, you’ll feel better. I’ll keep an eye on her, go!” Steve argued.

            Bucky went without another word, carefully depositing Shadow on the bed before leaving to stand under the showerhead and question his place in the universe. Shadow was fast asleep when this all went down and Steve was silently hoping that she stayed that way. He wasn’t sure what he would do if she woke up from yet another nightmare. He sighed heavily before glancing over at the digital clock hanging on the wall. 3:27 am. Bucky had been gone for twenty minutes, and if Steve knew him well (which he did, in more ways than one), Bucky would be taking advantage of the endless hot water and be trying to see if it truly _was_ endless. Not that Steve could really blame him. He’d done the same thing himself.

 

            Steve stifled a yawn and shook his head tiredly before rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He almost missed Shadow opening her eyes to stare at him.

            “Where’s Winter?” She asked, her voice hoarse but firm. If Steve didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t have guessed that she was scared.

            “He’s just getting cleaned up and changed. He’ll be back soon, don’t worry.”

            Shadow nodded, but she didn’t relax. She stared at Steve for a while longer, making Steve feel vulnerable and tiny in her gaze. She was fucking sixteen for Christ’s sake! Bucky he could understand, but Shadow? How was she even doing that?

            “How are you… how are you doing?” Steve asked, trying to make some polite conversation (and to get her to stop staring into the deapts of his very soul).

            She shrugged slightly, still staring at Steve (much to his dismay).

            “I don’t know.” She said softly, fiddling with her hands. “I… better I guess. I’m… I’m not really sure.”

            Steve smiled gently. Okay, this was a start. A shit start, but it was a start. He could work with this.

            “Do you feel safer?” He asked, trying to keep his voice calm and level and not expose the fact that he was trying not to shit bricks due to her staring into the centre of his being.

            Shadow shrugged again, pausing before nodding slowly.

            “I… I guess. Kinda.”

            Okay, this is going _way_ better than he expected.

            “I’m happy to hear that at least. You probably feel a lot better now that you have food in your stomach and you’re cleaned up now.”

            Shadow shrugged yet again before nodding once more.

            “It… it was nice… eating real food.” She said, speaking slowly, as though she were nervous. “It… it actually tasted good and… didn’t smell like a rotting corpse, so… so that’s a bonus.” She smiled faintly, it was barely noticeable. “And the bath water… it was… it was nice and warm. It was scary but… it… I liked it.”

            Steve was momentarily distracted in his terror by his heart dropping. Jesus, no kid should be happy with real fucking food and warm bath water like she was! She… she should be used to that but… but Hydra had to strip that away from her and treat her like nothing more than shit on their shoes. Fuckers. He smiled gently and nodded. He noticed the tired look on her face and was about to ask her if she wanted to go back to sleep when,

            “So when are you putting me into a cell?”

            Wait… what? Why did she… what was she talking about?

            “Why do you think that we’re going to put you in a cell?” Steve asked, very confused.

            Shadow stared at him, her gaze no longer making him feel vulnerable. It was making him feel… pretty fucking sad really.

            “I know you’re only taking care of me so that I’m in optimal condition. You’re only doing it so that I can preform more efficiently.” She shook her head, looking defeated. “You’re only being nice to me so that I’ll do what you say and kill who you want to be killed. And you didn’t answer my question. When are you putting me in a cell?”

            Steve felt sick to his stomach before a wave a hot _rage_ swept over him, drowning him. How much fucked up bullshit did Hydra put this kid through for her to think that they were going to shove her in a cell and use her? Steve shook his head violently, wanting to make very clear that they _weren’t_ about to do that shit to her.

            “We are _not_ putting you in a cell.” He said, keeping his voice kind, but firm. He needed to get this across, he didn’t want her thinking she was about to be chucked in a cell. “You’re never going to sit in a cell again, not if I can help it. You’re free. We’re taking care of you and patching you up because… because we want to help you. You’re hurt, so we’re tending to your wounds. You’re malnourished, so we’re feeding you. We just want to help you feel warm, safe and comfortable. We’re not going to use you like they did. We’re not dumping you in a cell like they did.”

            Shaodw seemed to relax slightly ebfore nodding tiredly.

            “Do you… you promise?” She asked. Steve noticed how tightly her fists were clenched in her lap.

            “I promise you, I’ll fight tooth and nail to make sure you _and_ Bucky never have to go through that shit ever again. I promise.” Steve smiled gently, hoping that this was getting through.

            Shadow looked at him confused.

            “Who’s… who’s Bucky?” She asked.

            “Bucky is Winter. His real name is James Buchanan Barnes, but he goes by Bucky.” Steve answered, smiling at her.

            Shadow stared at her hands for a moment.

            “Bucky.” She muttered under her breath, testing out the name. “That… that name fits. It fits much better than Winter. He’s… he’s too nice for _that_ name.”

            Steve nodded and chuckled.

            “Ya, he is, isn’t he?”

            Shadow slumped against her pillows and glanced over at Steve.

            “So… so you helped… Bucky? When he… when he got away?”

            Steve nodded, remembering how he had found Bucky on the fire escape and all the nightmares he helped Bucky through and Jesus there was a lot of shit.

            “Ya… ya, I did. And I’ll do my best to help you too.”

            Shadow cocked her head to the side, looking confused.

            “Why? What do you even gain out of it?”

            “Nothing. I just want to try and help. You’re a kid and… and you shouldn’t have gone through what you did. But… but you did go through it. And I want to help you get past that, get better.”

            Shadow didn’t say anything at first. She just watched him quietly for a moment before nodding and smiling softly.

            “I… okay. I’d… I’d like that.”

…

            Shadow stared at the ceiling, her right arm resting on her stomach. Steve was fast asleep at her bedside, snoring gently. Bucky was still getting cleaned up. She was worried about him at first, once Steve had mentioned how it had been a half hour since Bucky left to get cleaned up, but she relaxed when Steve explained that Bucky liked taking long showers and that it was actually pretty normal.

           

            Bucky. She shook her head, smiling gently. She wasn’t use to calling him by that name… and yet, it just fit him so perfectly she couldn’t think of any other name for him. She silently wondered what her name was. The name she was given when she was thrusted into this hellhole called life. The name that Hydra stripped away from her. She supposed it didn’t really matter now… but she couldn’t help but wonder what it was. She took a deep breath and looked around the room, trying to relax. Something was whispering at the back of her mind, telling her to get up and move. It was telling her to get out of there before something were to happen. She took another deep breath and shrugged it off. She was safe. Besides, if Winter… Bucky was comfortable here, then it _had_ to be safe… right?

            _‘Ya, okay. But here’s an idea. What if he’s wrong?’_

            God fucking… Shadow screwed her eyes shut for a moment before opening them to glance over to Steve, who was fast asleep, completely dead to the world. She took a deep breath before glancing over at the IV pole sitting by the bed, staring her down, mocking her. It was _fucking_ mocking her! Shadow leaned back against the pillows before closing her eyes and taking a long, deep breath to try and calm down. In and out, in and out. Again and again, until her racing mind decided to chill the fuck out. After calming herself down to some degree, she sat up, glancing over at Steve. She couldn’t just sit here. She had to move, she had to… she had to… she wasn’t sure what she had to do. But she was gonna do it!

 

            Very slowly and carefully, making sure not to wake Steve or jostle the needle sticking out of her arm, Shadow slipped out of the bed, holding onto the IV pole. She flinched and took a sharp inhale when the cold tile made contact with her feet. It felt like ice! Jesus Christ! She glanced over at Steve for a split second and let out a silent sigh of relief. He was still asleep. Good. Moving very slowly, keeping her footsteps light and smooth, she made her way to the door, pausing only for a split second to grab a syringe from an unlocked cabinet by the door.

 

            Where was she going? She had no fucking clue. She honestly wasn’t even sure what possessed her to go on her little adventure, but goddamn it, she was going on an adventure! She creapt down the long, dark and empty hall, keeping her breathing quiet and even. She needed to find a safe spot. A spot where she could hide if the need came. She hoped it wouldn’t, but she needed to all the same.

 

            This was one of the very few times Shadow didn’t mind that Hydra had experimented on her and pumped her full of god knows what. Thanks to their desire to have an efficient weapon, she could see in the dark rather well, almost like she was wearing a pair of night vision goggles. Hydra’s reasoning was _‘an asset that doesn’t need to rely on a flash light to see is a more efficient one’_. Damn it if it didn’t make sense.

 

            She shook her head and took a deep breath. She didn’t really need to be thinking about those sorts of things now. That wouldn’t do her any good. It would just end in tears and bruises from gripping her arms too tight. She walked up to the elevator, which opened with nothing more than a faint woosh. She carefully stepped inside, pulling the IV pole behind her before the doors closed behind her, sealing her in. There was a dim light coming from the ceiling, causing Shadow to blink owlishly for a moment until her eyes could adjust. She stared at the panel of buttons on the wall, each carefully labeled.

            “A rec centre?” She muttered, reading out loud to herself. No, that wouldn’t be a good place to hide. She’d be found very quickly. “Pool… no. Bad idea.” She wasn’t even sure she could swim! And besides, it would be best if she avoided water all together. “Gym… no. I don’t think so.”

            She continued to skim over the buttons, slowly growing more and more frustrated when she finally found something with potential.

            “A library? There’s a library here?”

            “A small one, but yes.”

            Shadow just managed to smother her scream of shock with her hand as she looked around the elevator wildly, looking for a source. Who the flying fuck was that?

            “Ah, forgive me for scaring you. My name is Jarvis. I am an A.I. created by Mister Stark.”

            Shadow looked up at the ceiling, trying to figure out where the voice was coming from. Where the fuck was it?

            “W- where are you?”

            “Technicaly speaking, I am everywhere, while at the same time, I am nowhere. I suppose you could say that I am the building itself.”

            Shadow slumped against the wall, growing more confused and afraid by the moment. She could feel her heart trying to claw its way out of her chest.

            “I… what… what the fuck?” She muttered, shaking her head. “Have you… have you told… told anyone? Have you told them where I am?”

            “Would you like me to?”

            “ _No!_ ” Shadow cried before clapping a hand over her mouth. She had to be _quiet_! What was she thinking? Did she want them to find her? “I… no. No thank you. I… I’d just like to see the library please.”

            She pushed the button and the elevator began slowly moving up. She relaxed slightly and took a deep breath.

            “Pardon me for intruding, but I’m afraid you do not have clearance to leave the medical bay,” Jarvis said, causing Shadow to jump in surprise.

            “I… I know. I just… I just needed to get out… you know?”

            “Normally I would understand, however, you have not even been her for twenty-four hours,” Jarvis said. Shadow could’ve sworn this thing was rolling its eyes at her… if it had any (please let it not have any).

            “I know that,” She grumbled, shifting to her toes nervously. “ I just…”

            Could she even trust this thing? For fuck’s sake, she had never in her life encountered an… an A.I. before. What was the protocol for this shit?

            “I just… need a place to hide.”

            Welp, she had gone and done it now.

            “I’m afraid I do not follow.”

            “I… I feel better with a… a place to hide. I… I don’t… I…” Shadow growled under her breath, shaking her head before thumping it with the heel of her hand in frustration. “Why can’t I talk?” She snarled.

            “It’s quite alright, please, take your time,” Jarvis said in a soothing tone. “Mister Stark also has trouble speaking from time to time, as well as many other avengers. It’s quite alright.”

            Mister… Mister Stark? Who was Mister Stark? That was the second time that… Jarvis said that name. Who… who was this guy? Jarvis seemed to sense her voinfusion and decided to bestow upon her an answer.

            “Mister Stark is the man who created me and who designed this entire tower. Perhaps you may know him better by the psedoname Ironman? You saw him earlier today.”

            That… that did _sound_ familiar… but she wasn’t really sure how. Where did she hear the name Ironman from? Shadow wrapped her arm around herself and stared at the ground, trying to find the words to explain what she wanted.

            “I… okay.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. “I just… I feel… I feel safer… with a… with a place to hide. I… Before… I had a dark corner. I just…” She groaned in frustration, putting her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”

            “So it’s for security reasons, I completely understand,” Jarvis said, his voice sounding so chipper. How did he sound so chipper? “If I may recommend a spot for you, may I suggest a small nock in the library? It _is_ a bit out of reach, however, I think you might like it.”

            That did sound nice… but then… Shadow glanced over to the I.V. pole she had been dragging around.

            “I don’t… I don’t think I can get up to this spot… if it’s what you say.”

            “I can instruct you on how to safely remove the I.V. if you would like. However, I would advise against it considering how malnourished you are.”

            Shadow bounced on the balls of her feet for a moment. She really wanted to see this spot, to scope it out and see if it would suit her knees. But… but she needed the I.V. in her arm. If she wanted to see this spot, she couldn’t have the I.V.

            “I… I’ll put it back in after I see the spot. I promise… I just… I just wanna see it.”

           

            The elevator doors opened and Jarvis directed her to the library. Once she got inside, she looked around in slack-jawed awe. She could vaguely remember… a library she would visit when she was… when she was young… but _this_. This was something else entirely! The bookshelves towered over her, packed to the brim with books of all sizes, lengths and colours. There were soft, cushy armchairs all over the library, so soft one would sink into them. A couple of desks were tucked away by a huge window overlooking the New York skyline, papers scattered all over one desk. Shadow stared out the window of the room, a faint smile on her lips.

            “Wow… this is… this is amazing.” She whispered. “Everything looks so… so…”

            “Would you like me to tell you how to take out your I.V.?” Jarvis asked, breaking the silence that covered them like a blanket.

            Shadow nodded eagerly, feeling excited for the first time in so long. She wanted to explore, if only for a few short minutes, and she couldn’t well do that with an I.V. holding her back.

 

            Jarvis walked her through it, his calm, leveled tone keeping her relaxed as she slowly pulled it out. After setting the needle onto the handle of the I.V. pole, Jarvis spoke again.

            “Now, there is a small nook just on top of the bookshelves near the window. You can use the ladder to get up partway, however, you will have to climb up the rest of the way. I would not recommend this in your current condition.”

            Shadow craned her head and just managed to catch the side of a small little nook, right where Jarvis said. From the door, it was damn near invisible. And from the way it was shaped, Shadow was sure that no one would’ve been able to look into the nook from the window. She jogged over to the ladder and immeadiatly began climbing it, a huge smile on her face.

            “I do suggest you be careful,” Jarvis said, sounding rather worried now. “Especially given your current state. I do not think it is wise for you to be doing this.”

            Shadow climbed to the top of the ladder and looked around for a hand hold on the bookcase. She grabbed a little nob sticking out of the top and began slowly climbing up, taking her time to find proper foot and hand holds. It was precarious, but it was so… so… _excilerating._ Very slowly and ever so carefully, she climbed up the rest of the way and was soon sitting on top of the bookcase. She crawled over to the nook, ignoring the protests of her wounds. She slipped inside and looked around. It looked like she could comfortably sit there with room to spare!

            “Why’s this here?” She muttered, sitting down in the corner.

            “Mister Stark, when renovating the tower after the Chitari attack, designed many secure hiding places. He never gave a reason other than that they were just in case.”

            Shadow nodded, suddenly feeling her heart drop to the pit of her stomach.

            “Does… does anyone else know this is here?”

            “I highly doubt it. It would appear that Mister Stark has forgotten about this hiding place. This is one of the ones that was made that Mister Stark would not have been able to get to easily. It’s extremely likely that he has forgotten about this one.”

            Shadow began to relax and smiled faintly. She looked around the nook, excited to find the pillows and blankets stacked in a corner. They were dusty, but they looked soft.

            “I… thank you… Jarvis.” It felt so strange to give a name to a disembodied voice. “I… I should probably get down now… huh?”

            Jarvis agreed and so, reluctantly, Shadow made her slow descent downwards. Going down was admittedly trickier than going up, but as long as she moved slowly and took her time, Shadow was able to do so with little to no issue (save for when her foot slipped off a foothold and left her dangling for a brief moment). She walked back to the I.V. pole and grimanced. She really didn’t want to put it back in, but Jarvis insisted.

            “You really should not have taken it out in the first place.”

            “You helped me take it out!” Shadow protested. Was he really gonna try and pin this on her?

            It took five minutes of fumbling and cursing before she realised that perhaps it would be better to have a professional replace the needle. Of course, this also lead to the realisation that people would know she took it out and she would get in trouble for being up when she was not supposed to be. Shadow sighed heavily, her shoulders slumped and her heart in her throat. Great. She was going to be punished for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hot, uncomfortable, and I don't like it!
> 
> I'm currently sitting in my room, shirtless in front of a fan, silently wishing for winter to hurry the fuck up and get its ass over here! While I'm doing that, I have updated for you lot.
> 
> I'm slowly but steadily writing more and more chapters for this thing and at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna surpass my goal of 75,000 words by a landslide. Apparently, I can't write short fics. It's just impossible for me.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter folks. If so, perhaps leave a comment? I always love reading them (and they'll help me through this unbearable heat). Look, I know I'm from Canada, but goddamn I HATE summer.


	5. Adventure over, time for nap

            Shadow slowly made her way down the corridor, making certain to keep her footsteps light. Her grip on the syringe she had smuggled earlier tightened as she walked down the path, getting ever closer to the medical bay. Her mind was racing as she walked, her eyes darting this way and that to make sure no one saw her. She froze when she noticed the shadow of a man at the end of the corridor, creeping closer and closer. She ducked into the shadows, tucking herself behind a side table and wincing when the wheels of the I.V. pole squeaked.

_‘Shit no!’_

            She lifted up the syringe to her face, making sure the needle was pointed towards the shadow. She was ready to fuck up whoever was coming this way. They were getting a big old needle in the eye.

 

            The shadow grew larger and larger before she could start to make out a figure at the end of the corridor, looking large and imposing. They were getting closer and closer. Shadow tensed up, squinting at the figure, trying to scope out any details. It wasn’t until the figure was halfway to her hiding spot that she recognized who it was. It was… it was Winter… or rather, Bucky. She let out a silent breath of relief before her brain reminded her,

            _‘Uh, we're not supposed to be outside the medical bay.’_

            Ah fuck. Bucky noticed her before she could make a break for it and jogged up to her, looking relieved.

            “Where have you been?” He asked, sounding panicked and worried. “I get back to the med bay to see that Steve’s out like a light and you’re gone! What happened?”

            Shadow shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring a hole into the ground.

            “I… I just…” Well, how the fuck was she meant to explain this? “I just… I wanted to… to try and find a… a hiding spot.” She said, her voice trailing off at the end.

            Bucky sighed and shook his head before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

            “I… I should’ve known that you would try and do that at some point or other.” He smiled softly, gently pushing against her shoulder, guiding her towards the med bay. “Come on, let’s get back to the med bay.”

            Shadow went willingly, keeping her eyes on the ground. She felt so _tiny_. She noticed Bucky’s gaze flicker down to the syringe in her hand, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he led her into the medical bay before gently taking the syringe out of her hand.

            “You don’t need a weapon here.” He said gently, setting aside onto a rolling table. “It’s safe here.”

            “I…” She muttered, wrapping her arms around herself defensively.

            Bucky didn’t say anything. He led her to the bed and had her sit down before glancing down at the needle that was no longer in her arm.

            “You had to pull it out, didn’t you?” He said, a faint smirk on his lips. “Your hiding place is higher up, isn’t it.”

            Shadow looked down at her hands on her lap, hesitating before nodding slowly, ducking her head down.

            “You know it’s dangerous to pull this out yourself, right?” Bucky said, cocking an eyebrow.

            “I didn’t do it alone!” She protested, her hands starting to shake. “Jarvis talked me through it! He told me how to do it safely!” She was going to be punished for sure.

            Bucky said nothing, he just glared at the ceiling, shaking his head.

            “In my defence sir, if she was going to remove the needle, I might as well assist her and tell her how to do it properly.”

            Bucky groaned and put his head in his hands for a moment.

            “At least you’re safe.” He muttered, leaning against the bed slightly. “Sit tight, I’ll grab a nurse.”

            Shadow sat on the bed silently, her knees tucked under her chin, close to her chest. She glanced to the side and didn’t see Steve asleep like he was before.

            _‘Where did he go? Is he… oh, there he is.’_

            Steve came through the door suddenly, looking slightly out of breath and panicked. He looked over to the bed and the moment his eyes landed on her, his shoulders sagged in relief.

            “Buck found you, didn’t he?” He asked, walking over to the bed.

            Shadow nodded silently, hugging her knees closer.

            “Where’d you go?” He asked, sitting down on the chair before leaning forward onto his knees. “I woke up to Bucky panicking and you missing. What happened?”

            Shadow took a deep breath and opened her mouth for a brief moment before closing it again. What the fuck was she even meant to say? Oh, I’m sorry, I was just off trying to find a hiding place in case you lot turn out to be a bunch of fucking lying dickheads! Ya, that was a brilliant idea, it’ll totally blow over well.

            “I… I got antsy. I just… I wanted to… to walk around.”

            Steve nodded after a moment. It didn’t look like he was buying her story, but he didn’t press further. They looked up to see Bucky walk back into the room, followed by a tired looking nurse dressed in a housecoat. She recognized him as one of the nurses from earlier. He was one of the nurses who bandaged her up. The man yawned and walked over to Shadow, smiling sleepily.

            “So, I hear you decided to go on a little adventure.” He teased. “Next time you decide to go treasure hunting, do it without taking out your I.V.”

           

            Shadow was once again sitting in Bucky’s lap. This time, however, she watched as the nurse carefully replaced the I.V. It… admittingly it made her feel a little sick to her stomach watching it go in, but at the same time, it was strangely fascinating to watch. Bucky gently rubbed her back as the nurse checked the drip, making sure everything was in order and nothing was broken before bidding everyone a good night and stumbling off to bed. Shadow slumped against Bucky and stared at her hands in her lap.

            “Am… am I… am I in trouble?” She asked in a timid voice. She _had_ to be in trouble, right? She was going to be punished… right?

            “No, no of course not.” Bucky rubbed her back just a little harder. “Just… just don’t do that again, okay malen’kiy soldat? You really scared me there.”

            Shadow nodded before nuzzling her face into Bucky’s chest and taking a few deep breaths.

            “Okay… if you say so.”

…

            Bruce walked into the room to find Shadow fast asleep in Bucky’s lap, curled up into a loose ball. Steve was fast asleep in a chair beside the bed, his hand on Bucky’s knee. He smiled gently at the peaceful scene before him before going off to ask a nurse to get something light for Shadow to ear. After he did so, he walked back into the room and sat down, pulling out his clipboard to pour over the notes he had taken the day before, glancing up every few minutes to check on the sleeping trio.

            _‘It’s hard to believe that this kid managed to cripple a Hydra base all on her own,’_ He thought to himself. _‘It doesn’t even look like she could take on a single agent, let alone dozens.’_

            Bruce shook his head and looked back down at the notes he jotted. He frowned slightly at the answers she had given him.

 

_“Describe your living conditions,” Bruce asked, his pen resting on the paper._

_“I was in a… a small cell. I think it was… it was made of concrete. It… it had a small grate in the centre and… and it was freezing in the winter. Sometimes I’d get frostbite if I was too close to the walls. In the summer… it felt like I was being roasted alive.” She chuckled darkly. “They did give me more water though… so it wasn’t so bad. I remember… I remember when it rained… water would seep in. Not a lot, but… but enough so that I knew it was raining.”_

_Bruce felt a little sick at the answer. Abysmal. Her living conditions were fucking abysmal._

_“Did they… did they put you in the ‘chair’?” Bruce asked, already sure of the answer (though he was hoping he was wrong)._

_“Yes.”_

_He felt a sudden wave a anger and Hulk stirring. He pushed it down. Now was not the time to hulk out. He could do that later on some Hydra agents._

_“Did they ever tell you why they were putting you in the chair? Did they ever tell you why they were doing it?”_

_Shadow didn’t answer at first. She toyed with the hem of her shirt for a moment._

_“Not at… not at first. And… and never directly. I overheard them once… I heard them say that they… they had to get rid of my memories. They said it was so… it was so that I would be more compliant.”_

_This just made the anger grow stronger. Bruce took a few deep breaths, listening to Hulk growling in the back of his head._

_“What would they do to you, if you weren’t compliant?”_

_“Punish me.”_

_“Can you be more specific?” Can she not? Why did he even ask that?_

_“It would… it would depend. Sometimes… sometimes they’d hose me down in cold water and… and then… then they’d put me in a freezer.” Her hands started shaking. “Sometimes… they’d… they’d waterboard me. They… they seemed to like that one. I…” She took a deep shuddering breath. “Can I… can I talk about sometime else? P-please?” Jesus fucking Christ, the look in her eyes made his heart ache. She looked fucking terrified._

_“That’s fine, I know this isn’t easy for you to talk about.” He smiled gently, trying not to betray how he was feeling. “I just want to ask you one more question for now and then I’ll let you eat, okay?”_

_She nodded._

_“Can you remember your name? Or when you were born? Anything like that?”_

_She was hesitant, looking around the room, trying to find something, anything to jog her memory._

_“I… I don’t… I don’t know. I can’t… I can’t remember my name.” She took a deep breath while Bruce’s heart just fucking shattered all over the floor. He noticed the frustrated look in her eyes. “I remember… I remember I was… born in… in 1998.”_

_Okay, that was something. That’s good!_

_“Can you remember a month at all?” Bruce asked, leaning forward a bit._

_“I… I think it was… autumn? Sometime in autumn… but I’m not… I’m not sure.”_

_Okay, that narrowed it down. Before Bruce could say anything more, a nurse set a tray of food down before Shadow. He’d let her eat before he did anything else._

 

            Bruce was brought out of his thoughts when he heard someone stir. He glanced up from his clipboard to see Shadow watching him through tired eyes.

            “…hi,” She said quietly.

            Bruce smiled gently, waving slowly so as not to startle her.

            “Good morning. Did you sleep alright?” He asked, keeping his voice gentle.

            Shadow looked away and shrugged softly.

            “I… I guess.”

            Bruce nodded.

            “Well, there’s food coming in a few minutes, are you hungry?”

            Shadow glanced down at her stomach, her brows furrowed.

            “I… I think so. It’s… it’s kinda hard to tell.”

            Bruce nodded again.

            “That’s okay. It’s likely that your body isn't used to getting food on a regular basis. It’ll take some time, but you’ll be able to tell more easily, don’t worry.”

            Shadow didn’t say anything, she just watched him tiredly. Just moments later, a nurse walked in with a tray of food. A small stack of buttered toast and some plain scrambled eggs with another tall glass of juice with a little bendy straw. Bucky woke up from the smell and blinked owlishly. He loosened his hold on Shadow so that she could more easily move towards the food to eat it. Bruce noticed that she was slowing down a little when it came to eating, but she was still eating at a quick pace. She was hunched over her food.

            _‘Baby steps Bruce,’_ He thought to himself. Hulk muttered something about smashing the bastards who did this and he couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings tis I, your local author.
> 
> Right, so I know it's probably going a bit slow, but I can promise that more happens and that it won't be so slow in a short bit.  
> I do have a shitton of chapters prewritten, however, I'm having trouble writing chapter 20 at the moment. No matter how I go, it just doesn't seem to work. I should be okay on chapters for now and I hope to have chapter 20 figured out before I run out.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did, maybe leave me a comment? Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean? I hope you have a kickass day and I'll see you next time!


	6. Meeting the Avengers (and Loki)

            Shadow sat on the bed while the nurse checked to make sure everything was going well and she wasn’t going to spontaneously combust or some bullshit. The nurse nodded to themselves and turned to look at Shadow.

            “Alright, everything seems to be going well. Just remember to keep eating slow and to stop if you feel ill, okay?” They asked, smiling gently.

            Shadow nodded shyly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

 

            It had been a few days since she had been brought to the tower. She had some time to get used to the place and allow the fact that she was finally free to sink fully sink in. In this time, she had started to grow a little curious about some of the other residents in the tower. The only people she saw even somewhat regularly were Steve, Bucky and Doctor Banner (if you didn’t include the nurses), and she was starting to get antsy. Bucky had told her a lot about the others, trying to prepare her for when she would finally meet them.

 

            Steve and Bucky had planned for her to meet each of them, one at a time in a controlled environment in order to avoid overwhelming her like when she had first arrived. Hopefully, this would work.

…

            Shadow sat in the bed with Bucky, watching a cartoon with him when Steve had walked into the medical bay with someone following him. Bucky paused the show and Shadow stared at the man, weary, but also curious. He seemed nice and was a fair bit shorter than Steve. She noticed a small gap in between his front teeth.

            “Hi, my name’s Sam,” He said, holding out his hand with a smile.

            Shadow hesitated before taking it and shaking.

            “Hi.”

            Sam had asked her a few questions. Simple ones, like how she was liking the place, if there was anything she liked doing. All nice and simple. Shadow felt relaxed and at eased around Sam. He was just so nice and kind and patient. After visiting for maybe twenty or so minutes, Sam got to his feet.

            “It was nice meeting you,” Sam said, smiling warmly. “I’ll let you get back to your show now.”

            “It… it was nice meeting you too Sam,” Shadow said, fiddling with her shirt. “Bye.”

            Sam left the med bay and Shadow relaxed slightly, feeling tired, but proud at the same time. She filed Sam under friend. He seemed pretty nice.

…

            The next person she ended up meeting was Clint, the man who signed. One thing that Shadow noticed that she didn’t notice before was the purple hearing aids he was wearing. Then she noticed the band-aids. There were _so many band-aids_. They were fucking everywhere, scattered along his arms, some were on his face and then there were the couple on his neck. Jesus Christ, what was he getting up to in his spare time?

            “Hi, you look like you’re doing better already,” Clint said, sitting down in a chair next to her bed. “How are you feeling?”

            “I… better. I’m feeling… better,” Shadow said, hugging a pillow close to her chest.

            “That’s good to hear,” Clint said before freezing. “Ah shit, I forgot to tell you my name,” He muttered.

            He told her his name and Shadow smiled faintly. Clint was actually kinda funny.

            “So, any cartoons you like? I know you’ve been watching them with Bucky,” Clint asked, smiling gently.

            “Well, we’ve been watching Adventure Time. It’s weird… but it’s really fun. I like it.”

            “Nice! Who’s your favourite character?” He asked.

            “Um…” Shadow thought for a moment. Who was her favourite character? “I guess Jake, he’s funny.”

            They continued talking for a while, mostly talking about the show and eventually talking about Clint’s dog (whose name was Lucky). After about an hour, Clint decided that now was probably a good time to go. He bade her farewell and Shadow smiled softly. She relaxed in her bed, leaning against the slowly growing pile of pillows she had been collecting. So far, everything was going well.

…

            Holy fucking shit on a stick and she thought _Steve_ was a big guy. Shadow stared at the man before her with wide eyed shock. She had noticed him when she first arrived at the tower, though she didn’t really pay much attention to him. But now that she got a good look at him… sweet Jesus, this man was fucking huge. He could’ve been classified as a small building!

            “Greetings Shadow,” He said, grinning brightly as he put out his hand. “My name is Thor. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

            Holy fuck her hand looked fucking tiny in his.

            “… hi,” She said, staring at their hands. How the flying fuck could someone have hands so fucking big?

            “It’s nice to see that you’re doing a bit better. It seems to me that you’ve filled out a little bit already,” Thor said chuckling. “That’s good, you were far too skinny when you first came in.”

            He was loud, but a nice loud. He was like an excited puppy.

            “Well… the… the food’s actually edible,” She said, fiddling with her blanket.

            Thor laughed (his laugh was like fucking rainbows! How? How was that even possible?).

            “Yes, I’m sure it’s quite a bit better than what you had before. Though, not as good as the foods we have on Asgard.”

            “Asgard?”

            “That is where I am from,” Thor explained, grabbing a pad of paper and a pen from the nightstand by Shadow’s bed. “Let me try and explain.”

            Shadow listened in hushed awe as Thor explained the nine realms. She laughed at some of his stories (such as him and his brother dressing up in drag to try and get his hammer back), and stared at him in awe and excitement at others (such as Thor and his brother fighting off a massive fucking snake). He was just finishing off another story when he noticed how tired she was looking.

            “Well, I think it’s high time for me to take my leave. It was an honour to be in your company young Shadow. I hope you sleep well.”

            Shadow smiled sleepily and nodded before yawning widely.

            “It was… it was nice to meet you too Thor.”

            She slumped against her small pillow fortress and Thor tucked her in gently before leaving.

…

            Natasha was next. She was quiet when she first came in, simply smiling softly before taking a seat. Once she was truly comfortable, she asked,

            “How’re you feeling?”

            “Everyone’s been asking that,” Shadow muttered, mostly to herself. “I… I’m doing alright. It’s… it’s actually kinda nice here.”

            Natasha nodded.

            “It’s nice not having to look over your shoulder, isn’t it?”

            Shadow nodded silently. Natasha was quiet for a moment, taking notice of the sheer amount of pillows threatening to take over Shadow’s bed.

            “I see you’ve already taken advantage of the endless supply of pillows Tony seems to have,” She teased.

            Shadow sunk into them and shrugged.

            “They’re… they’re comfy… and I can use them to hide… or to defend myself.”

            Natasha didn’t press the subject any further. She just nodded. They had talked for a half hour or so, Natasha answering Shadow’s questions with a smile. Natasha bade Shadow farewell as she got up to leave.

            “I’m glad to see you’re doing better Shadow,” She said before exiting the room.

…

            Fucking hell, Bucky knew some weird people. Shadow was leaning against Bucky as he read to her. She was perfectly capable of reading to herself, but there was just something so soothing about having someone else read to her. And besides, Bucky liked doing it, so it didn’t really matter. She wasn’t going to say no to the man. He was just finishing up a chapter when Steve walked into the room, followed by a shorter man. It was the man with the glowing thing in his chest. She stared at the small glowing circle, wondering what the fuck it could be when the man spoke, startling her out of her thoughts.

            “Hey kid, name’s Tony,” He said, sitting down on the chair. “Nice to properly meet you.”

            Shadow nodded, not saying a word. She just… she just stared. What the ever living fuck was that thing?”

            “I’m assuming you’re curious as to what’s in my chest, aren’t you?” Tony asked. Shadow nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off it.

            “It’s called an arc reactor… well, a small one anyway. It’s powering a magnet.”

            “You have… you have a magnet in your chest?” Shadow asked, confused.

            “Yep, it keeps a piece of shrapnel from stabbing me in the heart and murdering me,” Tony said, leaning back in the chair.

            “Aren’t there surgeries you can undergo to get rid of it?”

            “Technically yes, but they’re very risky considering how close the shrapnel is to my heart. This is just safer. You’re… you’re gonna have to trust me on that. It’s safer.”

            Tony talked to her for a short while, asking her questions while answering the ones she had. He was… eccentric, but Shadow found that she actually didn’t mind talking to him… much. After a time he grew to be… overwhelming, but Tony seemed to notice this before she did.

            “Well, I think I’ve been here long enough. It was nice meeting you kid. I’ll let you get some rest.”

…

            Shadow didn’t know what to make of the man sitting before her at her bedside. He was tall and lanky and looked like a complete and total opposite to… everyone in the tower really.

            “It’s nice to formally meet you Shadow,” He said, his voice gentle. “I am Loki, of Jotunhiem.”

            Shadow silently thanked Thor in the back of her mind for giving her that lesson on the nine realms.

            “Nice to meet you,” She said quietly, feeling a little unnerved. The way he was looking at her was… was kind of unsettling.

            “I’d ask how you’re feeling, however, I’m sure you’ve had quite enough of everyone asking you that by now.” Shadow nodded for a moment. “Then I won’t bother with that. Instead… what have you been doing?”

            Shadow thought for a moment.

            “Well… I’ve been watching cartoons… and Bucky’s been reading to me.” Shadow said, toying with a pillow in her lap.

            “Let me guess, he’s reading you the Hobbit.”

            Shadow stared at him in shock.

            “How did… how did you know?”

            Loki rolled his eyes and shook his head, chuckling softly.

            “He has a great love of that book. I still remember watching the final film made for the book with him. He was in tears by the ending, completely inconsolable. He was an emotional wreck for days afterwards.”

            “I… I can’t really picture him… crying.”

            “Even the strongest of men cry. Though it is fun to mess with him,” Loki chuckled, a mischievous grin on his face. “If you ever play the beginning of the film or the song that plays during the end credits, he just _looses_ it,” Loki snickered, covering his mouth with his hand. “I may or may not have done that a few times to mess with him.”

            Shadow felt a small laugh bubble up in her throat.

            “That’s really mean,” She laughed, a small smile gracing her lips.

            “I know, that’s what makes it so much fun.”

            They continued talking, for how long, Shadow had no fucking clue. Loki was recommending books for her to read and Shadow was telling him about the cartoons she had been watching with Steve and Bucky. He was particularly interested in Gravity Falls. After a while, Loki stood up from his spot.

            “It was a pleasure talking with you Shadow,” Loki said with a smile. “I hope to have more conversations with you in the future.”

            Shadow bade him farewell and sat on her bed, thinking to herself. There were some fucking weird people in the tower.

…

            It had been nearly two weeks since she’d arrived when Bruce told her that she could leave the medical bay, which made her very excited. Finally! Of course, not having permission to leave didn’t stop her before hand, but she wasn’t about to mention anything. She couldn’t leave on her own, but she was allowed to roam the tower and leave the medical bay for a time now.

 

            Where she wanted to go, she wasn’t sure at first. In the end, she decided the best place to start her adventure was the library. That was familiar, to some extent, and there was just something comforting about being surrounded by books.

 

            Bucky followed behind her as she perused the shelves, pulling out different books before reading the back of them to see if that was what she wanted to read. After several minutes of pulling books off the shelves and replacing them over and over, she settled on a large book filled to the brim with mythologies from around the world.

            “You’re going to read that?” Bucky asked, smiling softly.

            “It looks interesting,” Shadow said, carrying it over to an overstuffed armchair, Bucky rolling the I.V. pole alongside her.

            “Well I hope you’ll enjoy it,” Bucky said, before taking a seat next to her and pulling out his phone to play some games.

            The only sound was the occasional click of a button and the sound of a page turning. All and all, the room was quite peaceful, a blanket of calm over them. The silence was only broken by the library door opening and closing, and the footsteps of someone coming towards them. Bucky looked up to see it was Steve.

            “Hey Stevie,” Bucky said, his voice soft, so as not to disturb Shadow while she read. “What’s up?”

            Steve gently took Bucky’s hand and tugged it.

            “I’d like to talk to you for a moment. In private.”

            Bucky followed after Steve, leaving Shadow to be further absorbed into her book.

 

            Steve pulled Bucky out into the hall, making sure the door to the library was closed before turning to Bucky.

            “Alright Stevie, what is it?” He asked, crossing his arms.

            “Tony’s been looking into other missing person cases,” Steve started, looking worried. “And… he’s been noticing several similarities to Shadow’s case.”

            Bucky felt his face pale.

            “Are you telling me… that… there might be other kids… going through the same thing she did?”

            Steve shrugged.

            “There’s nothing concrete yet. Tony said he’ll look more into it, see if there are any leads or if any of the cases were solved… for better or worse. I’m not saying that there are other children like Shadow out there,” Steve said, pausing to take a breath. “But it’s a very real possibility.”

            Bucky felt sick. _More kids_? There could be _more_ out there, who are dealing with what he did? What Shadow experienced?

            “What’s the age range? Do we know?” He asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

            “Age ranges anywhere between five to fourteen years old,” Steve muttered, a faint glimmer of rage in his eyes. “But… Tony said it might be a wider range. There… there might be children as young as two. He’s not sure.”

            Bucky was silently relieved when Steve pulled him into a hug. He didn’t want to think about these kids possibly facing what he had faced.

            “We’re not telling Shadow… are we?”

            “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. At least, not now.”

            Bucky pulled away from Steve a little and nodded.

            “We’ll wait for her to get more comfortable and in a more stable place. She… she needs to focus on her recovery right now.” Bucky cupped Steve’s cheek. “She’s doesn’t need to worry about this shit.”

            Steve placed a soft kiss on Bucky’s nose and smiled softly.

            “We’ll figure this out Buck, I’m sure of it. It’ll be okay.”

            Bucky took a deep breath and nodded. God, he hoped Steve was right.

…

            Bucky took a couple of moments to compose himself before entering the library again. He didn’t want to alert Shadow to any possible issues and cause her to worry. He entered the library silently and only then did Shadow look up from her book.

            “Why were you outside?” She asked, her voice soft.

            “Steve just wanted to talk to me for a moment,” Bucky said, trying not to betray his unease in his voice. “It was nothing, don’t worry.”

            Shadow watched him for a moment, seemingly unsure of his words before nodding and turning her attention back to her book. Bucky couldn’t help but let out a silent sigh of relief. Good. She wasn’t questioning him. That… that was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I've updated (not as long as some authors, but still), but there is a reason for that.  
> I've been working on other projects and my mental health is being a little bitch.  
> However, I'm doing relatively better, so I've got that going for me.
> 
> I hope you lot enjoyed this chapter. If so, perhaps leave a comment? You know? Make my day? Help me power through this ungodly heat wave I'm dealing with?  
> With that being said, again, I sincerely hope you lot enjoyed this chapter and I'll be posting the next one... soon. I hope. If all goes well, soon.


	7. Hot Chocolate and oh look, nightmares

            Even with a face to the codename, it was still so fucking difficult finding _anything_ about this kid. Tony stared at the screen, huffing.

            “Are you fucking kidding me?” He grumbled, scrolling through countless missing person cases (and slowly growing more and more depressed as he did). “What, did they not report her as missing or something?”

            Tony continued scrolling, ignoring the late hour.

            “Sir,” Said Jarvis. “You really should go to bed now. It is three in the morning.”

            “In a minute,” Tony said, swiping away cases that didn’t fit Shadow.

            Jarvis evidently wasn’t having any of Tony’s shit and shut everything down, leaving Tony to stare at nothing.

            “What the fuck J?” Tony muttered, rubbing his eyes.

            “You should be glad that I do not have a body sir, Otherwise, I would have carried you to bed myself. I would normally call Captain Rogers to do so in my stead, however, he is asleep and I cannot wake him.”

            “So that’s how I end up in bed,” Tony muttered, moving to turn the screen back on and continue sorting through the depressingly long list of missing persons.

            “Sir, please go to bed. And you might want to tell our youngest resident to go do so as well.”

            Jarvis’ words made Tony freeze for a moment.

            “Wait, why is Shadow still awake? She should be sleeping!”

            “I am well aware of that fact sir, however, it appears that she has rather lost herself in the book she is reading and I cannot grab her attention.”

            Tony got up from his seat and made his way to the elevator.

            “She’s in the library?”

            “No sir, she is in the sauna. Of course, she’s in the library, where else would she be?”

            Tony sighed, pushing the button before leaning against the elevator railing with a yawn. Sometimes he wished he hadn’t made Jarvis so fucking sarcastic (even if it was true to the human Jarvis). He waited a couple of minutes before finally, the doors opened with a faint whoosh and he was allowed off. He opened the library doors and found Shadow fast asleep, curled up in an armchair with an open book on her lap. Tony smiled softly, carefully moving the book to see what it was.

            _‘Harry Potter,’_ Tony hummed thoughtfully. Cool.

            He set the book aside and gently shook her shoulder.

            “Hey kid, you need to sleep in a real bed. You don’t wanna fuck up your back.”

            Shadow jolted awake, her entire body tense as she looked around in confusion. She looked over at Tony.

            “W-what?” She slurred, looking around the room. “Where… what? What happened?”

            “I’m gonna go with you fell asleep while exploring the wonderful world of Harry Potter,” Tony said, offering his hand. “Come on, why don’t we get something to drink before we turn in.”

            Shadow hesitated for a moment before taking his hand and allowing him to pull her to her feet. She pulled the I.V. pole closer to her.

            “So… what were you… what were you thinking?”

…

            Shadow sat on the counter in the communal kitchen with the I.V. pole next to her. She watched as Tony made his way around the room, grabbing everything he needed to make hot chocolate. He seemed rather excited when she had told him that she had never had hot chocolate before (not that she would’ve remembered if she had, but the thought was nice all the same).

            “We’re gonna fix that!” He said, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet.

            And so, there she was, watching him as he made the drinks, kicking her feet slightly.

            “Could you grab me a couple of mugs?” Tony asked, not looking at her.

            Shadow opened the cupboard, finding plates and bowls. She opened the next one and found a multitude of different mugs (there were at least three that had a picture of a middle finger and the slogan ‘fuck off’). She grabbed two mugs randomly and handed them to Tony, who took them and started portioning out the hot chocolate.

            “Alright, it’ll be hot, so let it cool for a couple of minutes, okay?” Tony said, handing the bright green mug over to her. It had a cartoon of a green monster wearing purple pants.

            Shadow carefully cradled the mug, careful not to spill its contents while enjoying the warmth seeping into her fingers. She felt… relaxed… and calm. A feeling that… that she rather liked now that she thought about it. She was also feeling kinda sleepy, a feeling she found she did not like (as much).

            “Why are you awake?” She asked, blowing gently on her drink.

            “I was just trying to get some work done. Jarvis shut me down so that I’d get some sleep,” Tony said, sipping his drink and swearing softly when he burned his tongue like a dumbass.

            “What were you doing?”

            Tony paused, seemingly pondering his words. This caused Shadow to tense up slightly. Why would he need to think about what work he was _just_ doing?

            “I was looking over schematics,” Tony said.

            That was a load of bullshit.

            “No, you weren’t. What were you doing?”

            Tony looked over to Shadow and sighed tiredly.

            “That obvious huh?”

            Shadow nodded silently.

            “Why would you need to pause to think about work you were just doing?” Shadow said, cocking an eyebrow. She sipped her drink. It tasted nice, if a little face meltingly hot. Dumbass.

            Tony sighed, setting his mug down on the counter.

            “I’ve been trying to find your family and any information on you I can. Easier said than done surprisingly.”

            Shadow stared at him, confused.

            “Why are you trying to find them?” She asked, still a little tense. “What’s the point?”

            Tony shrugged.

            “Well, don’t you think they’d like to know that you’re okay? Don’t you think they’d like to see you again?”

            _‘I can’t even remember them! Why would they wanna see me?’_ She thought too herself, shaking her head in confusion.

            “What is it?”

            “I… I can’t even… I can’t even remember them,” Shadow muttered, staring at her mug. “They… I know that I had… I had a mother. And… I know I had a… a father… and… and a sibling. But… but I don’t remember their faces… their names… I can’t even remember where I lived before all that shit happened!”

            Tony nodded solemnly.

            “That would be pretty frustrating huh?” he said, tapping the counter with a finger. “Well, I can tell you that you’re from Canada. Specifically the province of Alberta. Even more specifically Edmonton, though we don’t know if that’s where you were born or not.”

            Shadow stared at him confused.

            “If you already know where I’m from, wouldn’t that make it easier to find my family? Wouldn’t that narrow things down?”

            “You’d think that it would be,” Tony grumbled, sipping his hot chocolate and swearing as it roasted his mouth again. “It’s been difficult to find _your_ missing persons case. Apparently, there are many missing indigenous women, which is rather depressing. And then there are all the other missing person cases. It’s been fun trying to sift through all that.” He sipped his drink again (apparently not learning his lesson). “You’d think the Canadian government would do something about all those missing women.”

            Shadow nodded before taking another sip of her drink, which was thankfully cooler. She closed her eyes and drank some more. A flicker of a faded memory flashed in her mind’s eye. A much smaller set of hands… were holding a large mug of hot chocolate (rather precariously). She could almost smell it (but that was probably more due to the fact that she was holding a mug in the present day). She must have made a face as Tony asked,

            “What is it?”

            “I…” Shadow tried to find the words. “I think I… remembered… something.”

            Tony got an excited look on his face, leaning in.

            “What is it? What did you remember?”

            Shadow smiled weakly at just how excited Tony seemed to be for her.

            “I… it’s really not much. It’s… it’s a fragment really. I… I remember… I _have_ had hot chocolate before. When… when I was little. That’s… that’s all I can remember though.”

            Tony smiled regardless and fist pumped the air.

            “It’s something though! That’s great!”

            Shadow shrugged silently. It didn’t… it didn’t feel great. She couldn’t remember any more than that one fragment. It was a mere glimpse. It was a single piece to a puzzle with far too many pieces to count. It was nothing to really get excited over. The two of them drank in silence for a few minutes before Tony piped up and said,

            “So, I hear that when you’re cleared for the removal of your I.V., you’re moving in with Steve and Bucky. You excited?”

            Shadow shrugged wordlessly. She wasn’t really sure how she felt if she was being honest. She’d finally leave the medical bay, which was a bonus, but… but that was familiar. She knew that area by now. She wasn’t sure if she felt okay with an entirely new environment.

            “I… I guess. It’s… I don’t know. It feels a little weird… you know? This… this is unfamiliar territory… and… and I don’t know what will happen and…” She stopped herself before her rambling started getting worse. Taking a few deep breaths, she said, “I just… I know it’s silly… but it’s a little scary… you know?”

            Tony nodded, taking a sip.

            “I guess it would be, ya. But think of it this way, your new room will be all your own. You can do whatever you want with it and no one can say anything about it! You’ll have a bed and anything else you want! You wanna plaster posters all over the walls? Go right ahead. You wanna paint it weird colours? Do it! I’ll help!” He leaned against the counter. “I guess if you’ve never had a space of your own where you were safe and you could do whatever… it would be kinda scary. But Shadow… it’ll be fine.”

            She didn’t say anything, but she did nod.

            “I… I guess,” She said after several minutes. “Thanks.”

            Tony smiled and took another drink.

            “And look at it this way, if anything bad happens, you have Captain America and the Winter Soldier there to help you. And that’s just in the _immediate_ range! You have all the Avengers here to help. You’ll be fine.”

            Shadow smiled weakly and nodded again.

            “I know… my brain just likes to argue otherwise.”

            Tony hummed and they went back to a comfortable silence.

 

            Shadow laid down on her bed, surrounded by her hoard of pillows. Tony had assured her that it would be fine and that if she wanted her hoard of pillows, she could have them.

            “You wanna make your bed into a pillow fort, go ahead! I’ll help you carry them to your new room, I’ll help you build it!”

            She smiled feebly at the memory and nuzzled into the soft, cushy pillows. She sighed softly, tapping one of them. It seemed… silly… ridiculous even, being scared of getting a new room that was arguably more secure. But at the same time, it was just… it was just so terrifying. She’d have a room where no one could enter without her permission! And as nice as that sounded, it was still pants-shittingly terrifying. She sighed and shook her head. There was really nothing to worry about though. She was being foolish.

            _‘Okay, okay sure. But what if… hear me out, there was something to be worried about?’_

            God fucking damn it! God, she hated her brain sometimes. Shadow covered her head with a pillow and screwed her eyes shut. Maybe if she felt asleep, her brain would shut up for a while.

…

            Nothing was okay. Everything was terrible and the world was on fire and oh sweet Jesus!

 

Shadow opened her eyes to see that she was still in the med bay… at least, that’s what she thought at first. But then she noticed that everything seemed… off. In what way, she wasn’t really sure how, but it was off. Maybe the air was different or something, fuck if she knew. She carefully and slowly got out of her bed, noticing that the I.V. was no longer in her arm. The pole wasn’t even nearby. What was going on? Did a nurse come and take it off? She set her feet down on the floor, bracing herself for the biting cold… that… that didn’t come. She stared at the floor, confused. Why wasn’t she feeling any cold? The floor was _always_ cold. She looked around the room and her eyes fell on a door that was wide open. Wait… wasn’t that… wasn’t that closed before? She got up and walked towards it, feeling weary.

 

Obviously, something was going on here… but what? She walked through the door, but as she was all the way through, it swung shut with a deafening BANG! It sounded eerily like her old cell door. She spun around, her heart pounding against her chest.

            “But… but that’s not… that’s not a… a cell door,” She whispered. “How could it… why would it…”

She fell silent almost immediately when she heard heavy footsteps coming down the hall towards her. Familiar heavy footsteps that caused her heart to climb up her throat and choke her. Shadow sprinted towards the elevator and dove in, pushing the button to… wait. Didn’t she… didn’t she push the button for the library? Why did… why did the button have a symbol of a shield? She didn’t have time to question any further before the doors suddenly opened to a barren lobby. She carefully stepped out, her heart pounding fast and loud, her head on the pivot as she slowly made her way to the door marked with,

**Captain Rogers & Sergeant Barnes**

            This was… this was where Steve and Bucky lived. But… why was she here? She pushed the button for the library! Didn’t… didn’t she? She turned the knob on the door to find it unlocked, swinging open without a sound. Why was it… why was it unlocked? It shouldn’t be unlocked! She stepped in slowly and silently to find that the room was completely barren. There wasn’t a single piece of furniture to be found.

            “What?” She looked around the dark room. “Why… what’s going on?”

            She came to a closed door and felt an overwhelming urge to open it. With shaky hands, she reached out and turned the knob, expecting to see yet another empty room. Instead, as the door swung open, she saw a disturbingly familiar cell. She wasn’t sure what did it, but _something_ pushed her into the cell and slammed the door shut behind her. She turned to try and open it again only to see her old cell doors. The gaps between the bars teasing her with the promise of freedom if she could only get past them. She looked down and saw that she was in scuffed combat boots, worn trousers and a black sports bra… the… the same clothing she wore when she…

            “Oh god…”

            Shadow shook her head violently, trying to calm herself down and remember where she was.

            “Everything’s fine,” She said to herself. “This is… this is just a dream. That’s all it is, a dream. A… a bad dream.”

            Shadow turned to see a hauntingly familiar figure standing just out of the light’s reach. She could just make out their crossed arms and could see the outline of their head shaking side to side.

            “Oh Shadow, you should know better than to run away. You know that we’ll always find you, one way or another. It’s only a matter of time really.”

            The figure took a step forward, still somehow cloaked in shadows.

            “But now, we have you back and I’m afraid… well, now you must be punished for running from us.” They sighed. “A shame really, you were being so compliant before.”

            Shadow turned her head to the side to look behind her. Her heart dropped to her stomach when she saw the usual set up for good old waterboarding. She could hear her breathing pick up and the blood pumping in her ears as invisible hands grabbed her arms and dragged her over to the slab. They strapped her down, the restraints biting into her flesh, before placing a cloth over her face.

            “I really didn’t want to do this, but you’ve forced my hand,” Said the figure as they held a container filled with water over her head. “You’ve left me no choice young lady.” They began pouring the water over her face, drenching the cloth. “The less you struggle, the faster this’ll be over.”

            Shadow gasped and sputtered, trying to breathe, just fucking breath! The air in her lungs was quickly being replaced by the water and she coughed and sputtered, tugging against the restraints. If she could _just get away_ , if she could get out, she’d be okay! Everything would be okay!

            _‘We’re dying, we’re dying!’_ Screamed the annoying inner voice, and for once, she could agree. She was dying. She couldn’t get air.

            Shadow continued to struggle against her restraints, greedily gasping for air when they paused to refill the container in order to continue. At one point in her struggle, she felt her wrist snap like a twig, sending waves of pain throughout her body and causing her to scream.

            _‘Don’t scream, don’t scream! Screaming will only make it worse!’_

            Fuck! More water was being poured over the cloth. All she could do was hold her breath and pray to whoever the fuck was listening, that it would be over soon.

…

            She opened her eyes with a strangled gasp and bolted upright. She was shaking heavily and gulping in air desperately, trying to rid herself of the phantom feeling of the water in her lungs, drowning her. She looked around the room fearfully and saw that she was still in the med bay. She was… she was safe. Hydra _hadn’t_ found her. She was… wait. She looked over to her side slowly and saw a tall, lanky figure standing beside her, their hands reaching out to touch her. She inhaled sharply and went to punch whoever the fuck it was in the face, only for them to catch it with ease and cry out,

            “Calm down! It’s me! It’s Loki!”

            ‘ _Wait… Loki?’_

            A light was switched on and the shadows retreated. Before her stood loki, holding her wrist with a tight but surprisingly gentle grip (looking rather alarmed).

            “Are you alright? You were having a nightmare.”

            Shadow took a deep breath and nodded slowly. She tugged her wrist out of her grip and shook her head.

            “I… I’m fine. Really. Like you said… it was… it was just a nightmare,” She grabbed a pillow and hugged it close to her chest to try and ground herself.

            Shadow took a few deep breaths before looking back over to Loki.

            “What are you doing here?”

            Loki chuckled tiredly and sat down on a chair just next to her bed, watching tiredly.

            “I couldn’t sleep. Jarvis had informed me that you appeared to be in distress, and so I came down to see if there was any way I could provide aid.”

            Shadow nodded slowly and took another deep breath. She could _still_ feel the water in her lungs.

            “I… I’m okay. Honest… just… just a stupid nightmare,” She said, burying her face into her pillow. “I’m fine.”

            Loki hesitated for a brief moment before reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder. It was cold.

            “It’s alright to be afraid. If you want to talk about it, I’m more than willing to listen.”

            The offer was… exceedingly tempting, but she just shook her head. No, no, it wasn’t his problem to deal with. It was hers. He didn’t need to be dragged into it. She took a deep breath to try and steady herself.

            “N-no… I’m… I’m fine. Honest! It was just… it was… it was just a nightmare. Just a… just a stupid… fucking… nightmare.” Her voice trailed off at the end.

            Loki gently squeezed her shoulder.

            “Alright, how about I rephrase that. Do you _need_ to talk about it? I believe the correct answer would be a yes.”

            Shadow was silent for a couple of minutes before nodding slowly, her shaking still pretty fucking strong (like good _god_ ).

            “I… I think so… ya.”

            Loki pulled the chair closer to her bedside and leaned against the mattress, his smile gentle.

            “Alright then. Whenever you’re ready to begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't anxiety fun? 
> 
> While I'm not in Shadow's place, I can personally tell you lot that anxiety sucks ass. The over thinking and everything? Fucking annoying, but it really can't be helped.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's been sitting in my drafts for a few days and I had a bit of time to quickly post it. I hope you all like it and I'd love to hear what you all think.


	8. It's moVING DAY!

The nurses were exceedingly kind (almost obnoxiously so). They were very kind as they removed the I.V., placing a Black Widow bandage over top of it. They checked on how her many, _many_ wounds were healing and tutting at the plethora of scars coating her skin. They all seemed so excited for her. After all, they were seeing her leave the medical bay! She was much healthier! And, ya, she was. Her weight, while still rather low, was much more stable and if she continued to eat regular meals, it would be back to normal in no time.

            “So, what are you planning on doing with your room?” One nurse asked, beaming at her. “You wanna paint your room or something?”

            Shadow shrugged, ducking her head.

            “I don’t know… maybe.”

            “How about green? A nice shade of green would look good,” Another nurse chimed in. “Steve Rogers is an artist, he could help you paint it!”

            Everyone nodded in agreement and Shadow just… just sat there. She never really thought about these sort of things.

            “I don’t know… I… I wanna see the room first.”

            “Well, whatever you do with it, I’m sure it’ll look awesome!”

            Shadow smiled feebily but remained quiet. Not that the nurses weren’t nice, but goddamn, they were loud.

 

            Once they finished checking her over, they each bade her farewell, many of them telling her that she damn well better visit from time to time (while _not_ requiring medical attention. They put a _lot_ of emphasis on that part). They dispersed and were soon replaced by Steve and Bucky.

            “You ready to get out of here malen’kiy soldat?”

            Shadow nodded and Steve and Bucky began gathering up pillows to carry with them. Tony soon entered the room and grabbed as many as he could carry, chattering about how kick ass her pillow fort would be.

            “I’ve been working on some light weight supports to help keep it stable and to prevent it from caving in on you and I got a shit ton of blankets for the roof!” He said, bouncing on his toes as the four of them walked to the elevator.

            Shadow, who was carrying a couple of pillows herself (she wasn’t gonna make the others carry them all), tucked herself into the corner of the elevator, trying to ignore the nervous feeling bubbling up in her chest. She was growing excited, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still shit her pants terrified.

 

            The doors opened with a faint whoosh and they stepped out into the small lobby. Steve went and unlocked the doors (oh thank god they’re locked) and ushered the small group inside. Steve offered to take the pillows to her room while she had a look around. And by offered, he insisted and took the pillows from everyone, piling them precariously and moving slowly so as not to drop one or run into the walls like a dumbass. Tony bade her farewell and Shadow stood there, watching Steve slowly waddle over to a door. Bucky snorted.

            “Idiot,” He mumbled, shaking his head. “Okay, take a look around.”

…

            Bucky watched as Shadow looked around the apartment nervously, her entire body one tense knot. She walked into the kitchen and glanced over at him before slowly opening drawers and cabinets to look inside. Slowly and methodically, she made her way around the apartment, thoroughly looking through everything and making sure that there was nothing that was planted by Hydra or some other bullshit. Bucky followed her from area to area, not insanely close, plastering himself onto her back, but close enough to provide some comfort.

 

            She checked each piece of furniture, moving cushions and crouching down to peer underneath. Nothing but dust bunnies… until she reached the armchair by the window. She peered underneath and saw what looked like a… a toy? A dog toy? She reached under cautiously, grabbing the toy before pulling it out to inspect. It was a chew toy shaped like a bone. Why did they have this?

            “I was wondering where that was,” Bucky exclaimed, crouching down in front of Shadow. “Silver will be happy to see this again.”

            Shadow looked at Bucky, confusion bubbling in the pit of her stomach.

            “Who… who’s Silver?”

            “She’s my service dog. I got her a couple of years back. Steve gave her to me as a Christmas gift.” Bucky smiled wistfully for a moment. “She’s a giant teddy bear. You’ll like her.”

            Shadow nodded slowly but didn’t say anything. Great, there was a fucking dog here. _Great._

 

            Bucky led her into her new room and her eyes immediately fell on the mound of pillows on the bed. She couldn’t help but smile slightly. She took a deep breath and took a step forward, resting her hand on the bed. She checked it over, looking for any bugs or plausible traps (knowing Hydra, they would violate the sanctity of a bedroom). Bucky watched from the door, a comforting presence as she did her sweep. She checked the nightstand, opening the drawer and finding nothing (much to her relief). She checked the armchair. Nothing. The desk, nothing. The wardrobe, nothing. Shadow let out a sigh of relief after she checked every nook and cranny that she could possibly look and her shoulders slumped down. Bucky smiled softly as she walked over to him.

            “Come on, I’ll introduce you to Silver.”

…

            What she was expecting with Silver, Shadow wasn’t really sure. But she knew she wasn’t expecting a fucking _mountain_ of a dog following Steve into the living room. She heard the scratching of the claws on laminate and Silver sat down just in front of Shadow, panting excitedly.

            “Shadow, meet Silver,” Bucky said, scratching her behind the ears.

            Shadow stared at the dog apprehensively. She didn’t look like any of the dogs that Hydra had. She didn’t look scary at all! But her size… well… her size made Shadow wish that she wore brown pants that day.

            “Would you like to pet her?” Bucky asked, smiling gently. “She won’t bite.”

            Shadow took a deep breath before reaching out, her hand shaking. Silver gave it a sniff and seemed to like her since she shoved her nose _right_ in, wagging her tail excitedly. Shadow tensed for a brief moment before relaxing slightly. She let out a weak chuckle.

            “Uh… hi Silver,” She said, gently petting Silver’s head. “It’s nice to meet you.”

            Silver wiggled around excitedly. She seemed very excited about the prospect of a brand new friend! Bucky snorted with laughter when Silver bowled Shadow over, licking her face enthusiastically. Shadow was laughing hysterically while she tried to push Silver’s nose out of her face.

            “No!” She cried between bouts of laughter. “Get off me ya big lug!”

            Suddenly, Silver was off Shadow and she could sit up to see Bucky holding her back by the collar.

            “You alright?” He asked.

            Shadow let out a soft chuckle before nodding.

            “Is there anything you wanna know?” He asked, rubbing her ears.

            “I… nothing really comes to mind right now… but I’ll… I’ll let you know.”

…

            Shadow was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a thick, soft blanket. Silver’s head rested on her lap, basking in the rubs that Shadow gave her while watching the tv. Steve and Bucky were in the kitchen making supper. At least, that’s what they were meant to be doing. Every time Shadow glanced over to the kitchen, she would see Steve trying to steal a kiss from Bucky or Bucky trying to steal a kiss from Steve (a vicious cycle in which none would prevail). Shadow smiled gently, jumping when Silver pressed her nose into Shadow’s palm, apparently displeased with the lack of petting going on.

            “Oh, I’m sorry your highness,” Shadow said, smirking softly. “I was unaware that it was my duty to pamper you with loves.”

            Silver’s tail thumped against the couch when Shadow resumed the petting and scratching and Shadow… Shadow found herself relaxing. Maybe… maybe she’ll be alright. She’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a little while since I updated. I have been rather busy working on other writing projects and applying for jobs, but don't worry, I already have a couple of drafts saved up and will post them shortly! (in like a week or two, gotta space them out)
> 
> I do have a possible job lined up, I'm just waiting for the guy to come back about the interview and hopefully, if all goes according to plan, I'll have a part-time job installing security systems! Hurrah!
> 
> So, wish me luck in getting that job (I know I've got my fingers crossed because FUCK job hunting), and I sincerely hope you lot enjoyed this chapter. If so, maybe leave a comment? Always makes my day.  
> Until next time!


	9. Nightmares are party poopers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, there is talk of the death of pregnant women. If you're uncomfortable about this, you may want to skip this chapter. You have been warned.

            While Shadow had met everyone in the tower, she hadn’t spent much time with them so far. That is until Steve and Bucky had to go away on a mission. Silver would be left behind, but they didn’t want Shadow to be alone (and by they, read Bucky). And so, they asked one of the Avengers who wasn’t going on the mission to keep her company. That avenger was Thor, who she seemed to get on with well enough.

 

            Admittedly, it was a little awkward at first, telling Shadow that they would be gone but Thor would be there! He’ll keep you company! Shadow was a little apprehensive, but agreed, looking rather relieved when they told her that Silver would remain as well. She saw them off, waving them goodbye before turning to Thor, who towered over her. Well, this should be interesting.

…

            Okay, let’s start off by saying, Thor could make a kick-ass fort. The fort they’d made in the living room was more than large enough to fit a god, a massive dog, and a young woman (they probably could’ve fit the fridge in there if they tried hard enough).

 

            It was Thor’s idea. They would construct a fort, filled with pillows and blankets (only the finest for their comfort). After that was complete, they would make the greatest junk food feast the tower had ever witnessed, change into pyjamas, and then sit in the fort with their tooth-rotting hoard to binge watch Disney movies. In order of when they came out.

…

            Thor looked over to Shadow roughly halfway through The Jungle Book and noticed that Shadow had nodded off, curled up in a ball, cuddling Silver, who looked quite excited to be used as a pillow by her friend. He turned off the movie and draped a blanket over her before getting up to clean up the mass of junk food that surrounded them (maybe the chocolate dipped potato chips were a bad idea). He started putting them away when he heard a soft whine coming from the fort. At first, he thought that it was Silver, but then the whine came again. It sounded… well, way too fucking human for a dog. He went over to the fort and found Shadow, stilled curled up, but in a tighter ball. Her fingers were tangled in her hair, pulling it, and her face was scrunched up in discomfort as she whimpered. Nightmare.

 

            Thor reached out to try and wake her up, but before he could do anything, she bolted upright with a gasp and looked around wildly. Her eyes fell on Thor and she let out a shaky sigh of relief before opening the gates and allowing the tears to fall.

            “What’s wrong?” Thor asked, his usually booming voice soft. “What did you see?”

            Shadow shook her head, tangling her hands in Silver’s fur.

            “It’s… it’s nothing,” She whispered. “It was… it was just a… just a bad dream.”

            Thor gently took her hand and smiled at her, the smile warm and gentle.

            “You can tell me, there’s nothing wrong with having nightmares,” He said. “I get them every once in a while. It’s okay.”

            Shadow curled in on herself, shaking her head feverishly.

            “No… no… I can’t… I can’t…” She tugged her hair. “I can’t… I can’t talk… about… about it. They’ll… they’ll get… get mad.”

            “Who will get mad?” Thor pushed, now getting worried.

            “They’ll… they’ll get mad, and then… and then they’ll… they’ll p-punish me and…” Shadow’s breathing grew out of control and she began hyperventilating. “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t.”

            Thor picked her up (she was like a fucking rag doll) before depositing her on his lap, facing his chest. He placed a hand on her back as a sort of anchor and gently shushed her.

            “Deep breaths. Breathe with me, alright? Everything will be fine.”

            He took a deep breath and Shadow followed suit, her breath far more shaky and broken than his own. They continued like that for several minutes, in and out, in and out, with Silver gently nuzzling Shadow’s neck, trying to bring her back to the present. Eventually, her breathing did even out and she seemed to be calmer.

            “That’s it,” Thor said, his voice soft, no louder than a whisper. “You are safe. It was just a dream. It cannot hurt you.”

            Shadow’s hand tangled in the fabric of his shirt and she nodded shakily.

            “Do you want to tell me what it was?”

            At first, she did not respond. If Thor didn’t know any better, he’d say she didn’t even hear him. But then,

            “They made me kill a pregnant woman.”

            Oh… well… fuck! That’s… Jesus.

            “Is that what you dreamed of?” Thor asked.

            Shadow nodded.

            “May I ask what happened?”

            Shadow took a deep breath and nodded, still shaking.

…

            “It happened twice. The first time, I don’t think the lady even knew she _was_ pregnant. She just begged for her life and I had to kill her. I only knew she was pregnant because that’s what they told me. They told me that she was three months along.

            “The second time… the second time was worse,” Shadow whispered. “The lady was seven months pregnant. They… they threw her into my cell… and… and gave me a gun. They told me to kill her… or they’d do it for me. She… she started begging for her life… for her child. I… I didn’t want to do it,” Shadow said with a broken sob. Thor hugged her tightly. “I… I had to convince her… that I… that it was best. I knew that… I knew that if I didn’t kill her… they’d wait until the kid was born… and then… and then they’d kill her.

            “I told her… I told her, ‘you don’t want your kid to be like me… do you? To… to never know love? Or… or a gentle touch? If I don’t kill you… they will kill you and steal your child away… and… and turn them… them into m-me’. She let me shoot her. I shot her once in the head… and twice in the stomach so the kid would die.”

            Thor was silent at first. For fuck’s sake, what the hell were you meant to say to that? Gee, I’m sorry you had to kill a mother to be and her child _twice_ , have a cookie. What were you suppose to say?

            “I… I imagine… that the mothers… don’t blame you,” He said uncertainly. “I think… they could understand that… you really had no choice.”

            Shadow sniffled and curled into a ball.

            “If I didn’t kill them… Hydra would’ve. If I kill them… their deaths… their deaths are quick. If Hydra… if Hydra did it… they would drag it out. They’d make them suffer.”

            “You know this from personal experience… don’t you?”

            Shadow’s grip on his shirt tightened and Thor felt his heart sink.

            “He was a fucking kid,” She hissed, hot tears streaming down her face. “He was a fucking child… and they… they beat him to death.”

            “Did they give you a choice?”

            She nodded.

            “I told them no… I didn’t wanna murder any kids. Kids… kids don’t deserve death. They… they chained me to the wall… and they… they just started wailing on this kid! They just… beat him with whatever they had… a crowbar… the butt of a gun… one guy got a fucking baseball bat and pulverised the kid’s spine.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “And I couldn’t… I couldn’t help… I couldn’t help him. The kid died right in front of me… and I couldn’t… I couldn’t get out.”

            Thor squeezed her tightly. Perhaps, if he hugged her tight enough and long enough… it would banish these memories. Perhaps, if he did it long enough… she’d have no more nightmares. That wasn’t gonna happen, not really, but still… he hoped.

            “I cannot change what happened in the past… though I wish… I wish that I could. I wish that there was some way that I could’ve prevented this from happening. But… you’re not alone. And you never have to do such terrible things _or_ witness them… ever. Never again,” He said, rubbing her back.

            Shadow remained silent. She stayed that way for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who wanted pain and angst? I know I didn't, and look what happened! yay
> 
> I hope, as always, that you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry for the dark content in this one. There's a reason I placed the warning at the beginning of the chapter. I sincerely hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable.


	10. Gotta love that sweet lightning

            Shadow opened her eyes just a peek. It was the middle of the night and the room was pitch black, save for a faint orange glow from underneath the door crack. She slowly got out of bed, her eyes flicking back and forth, trying to catch some unseen movement. She got to her feet and crept over to the door, keeping her tread soft. She carefully opened the door, making sure it didn’t squeak (not that it would’ve. It’s Stark Tower). She closed the door gently behind her before creping over to the living room where the floor to ceiling window stood. She stared out the windows, at the skyline. She could see cars still bustling and moving, even though it was two in the morning. The light of the streetlamps cast a harsh orange glow on everything they hit. Shadow looked to the sky and saw the thick, dark clouds hiding the moon and stars. It was going to rain soon.

 

            Quiet as a mouse, Shadow made her way to the balcony door, eager to feel the rain on her skin. There was just something so… so _comforting_ about it. It felt like it was washing away her sins and wrongdoings, making her a clean slate. She sat down on a metal bench with cushions and looked up to the sky. Any minute now.

 

            The skies broke open and rain began free falling to the ground below. The cold water soothed Shadow’s racing mind, comforting her and easing her fears. The rain droplets caressed her cheeks, letting her relax and block out the world around her.

…

            The rain was a comfort, it always was. When it rained, she could hear it and smell it through the seemingly impenetrable walls of her cell. It would seep through unseen cracks, soaking the seat of her trousers. It was… comforting. The sound of the rain beating against the walls of the base drowned out the fear and the screaming in her head. The smell reminded her of times when she wasn’t so afraid, so broken. Times she could no longer remember. And when the rain water leaked, that meant she got fresh, clean water. Sure it was from the cell floor (which wasn’t very hygienic), but she wasn’t that picky. It was always the best tasting water to her. It was water she could drink without fear.

 

            And even now, it still never failed to bring comfort, wrapping her in its gentle loving arms. Shadow opened her eyes to the sky and smiled as the rain drops fell on her face. She felt… safe. She felt… free.

…

            Bucky cracked his eyes open and stared at the glowing red letters of the clock at his bedside. Great. It was a quarter past two. He carefully rolled over to check on Steve. He was gone, dead to the world until no earlier than sunrise. Bucky sighed softly and sat up, careful not to disturb Silver or Steve from their slumber.

 

            He made his way to the kitchen, keeping his tread light and his steps soft. A hot drink always helped him sleep, perhaps it would help now. He was halfway to the kitchen when he noticed a pasty pale figure out on the balcony, effectively scaring him for a brief moment before his brain connected the dots.

            _Uh… why’s Shadow on the balcony?_ Winter asked. Barnes echoed his question.

            _‘Fuck if I know,’_ Bucky thought, shaking his head.

            He made his way to the balcony door, pausing for a moment when he noticed that it was raining. Great, just great. He braced himself before opening the door and stepping out, shuddering as the cold water soaked into his sleep shirt.

 

            How Shadow enjoyed this, he’ll never know. It just brought back memeories of Steve getting his dumbass sick because he didn’t come in when the rain started. Fucking punk. Bucky sat down next to Shadow on the bench, who didn’t seem to notice him.

            “Hi Bucky,” She said, her voice soft, almost drowned out by the rain.

            “Hey malen’kiy soldat,” He replied, watching her. “What are you doing up?”

            Shadow shrugged silently, staring out at the sea of buildings before them.

            “I don’t know… I just… couldn’t sleep,” She muttered, chewing her lip.

            “Mind won’t stop running?”

            She shook her head.

            “No… it won’t. I… I tried to… to relax but… it wouldn’t stop. I thought… I thought I’d sit out here… try and relax a little and… it started raining.”

            She smiled softly and Bucky couldn’t help but do the same.

            “Well, you shouldn’t stay out here too long. You’ll get sick,” Bucky said, not moving.

            Shadow squirmed in her seat for a moment.

            “But I… I don’t want to… I don’t want to go. It’s nice out here… it’s safe.”

            Bucky glanced up at the sky and noticed how the clouds seemed to grow darker and taller. Oh… oh no.

            “It won’t be in a minute,” Bucky said. “We need to get inside now before the storm starts.”

            Shadow looked at Bucky, confused.

            “What storm? It’s just raining.”

            Bucky took her hand and tugged her up to her feet.

            “You see how the clouds are much darker? How the sky is black?” She nodded. “That means that this is about to become a thunderstorm. We need to get inside.”

            Shadow followed after Bucky, still staring at the sky in confusion. They were just about to go through the door when,

_Crack!_

            Thunder seemed to shake the ground before a bright streak of lightning lit up the sky in a terrifying arc. Shadow froze, staring at the sky with wide eyes. Bucky had to drag her in.

 

            He sealed the door behind them before grabbing some towels to dry them off. When he came back, Shadow was still standing before the door, staring out at the skyline, lit up every few seconds by lightning. Every muscle was tense. Her hands were shaking.

            “Shadow,” He said, moving slowly. “Talk to me malen’kiy soldat. What’s wrong?”

            Bucky came up beside her and saw the sheer fear and panic in her eyes when the lightning streaked across the sky again. Her mouth was moving, but no sound came out. Bucky took a moment to read her lips.

            ‘Please don’t, I’ll be good. I’ll be good, please.’

            Bucky felt his heart sink into his stomach and he coaxed her to come closer. He hugged her close, making sure her face was in his chest, where she couldn’t see the lightning. Her body was shaking and Bucky felt hot tears through his shirt.

            “Shadow,” He said, his voice soft. “Breathe, okay?”

            “I don’t want to forget.” Came the feeble reply.

            Bucky’s heart plummeted to the ground at high speeds before shattering into countless pieces. He squeezed her tight, as though trying to shield her from the memories he knew were running through her mind.

            “Keep breathing malen’kiy soldat, just keep breathing,” He crooned, his voice gentle. “You’re safe now.”

            Bucky rocked her gently, trying to bring comfort and security to the young woman who was falling apart in his arms. He noticed Steve’s figure out of the corner of his eye. He looked over and found Steve standing in the hall, watching them with a worried expression.

            “What happened?” He signed.

            Bucky nodded towards the windows, showing the storm in brilliant technicolour. Steve’s shoulders slumped and he looked at Shadow with a sad look on his face.

            “I’ll make hot chocolate,” He signed before hurrying to the kitchen, his footsteps deceivingly light.

            Silver padded down the hallway over to Bucky, whimpering softly. Why was her new friend so scared? She jumped slightly when the thunder sounded, but immeadiatly turned her attention to Shadow, pressing her nose against her hip.

            “Shadow, Silver’s here,” Bucky said, his voice soft. “Why don’t you pet Silver? She’ll take your mind off the storm.”

            Shadow pulled away slowly to look at Silver and… sweet jesus the look on her face. If Bucky’s heart wasn’t shattered before, well, it was non exsistant now. She pulled away from Bucky’s embrace and crouched down to Silver’s level. Silver, in her all knowing doggy wisdom, immeadiatly set to work comforting her. She licked Shadow’s face, cleaning the tears before nuzzling into Shadow’s chest. Shadow clung onto Silver, trying to take deep breaths.

            “Jarvis,” Bucky said, trying to keep his voice soft so he didn’t scare Shadow further. “Covered the windows. Quickly.”

            Jarvis did just that, blocking out the soft orange glow of the street lamps and the harsh spears of lightning. Now, there was just the faint glow of the stove as Steve made hot chocolate (excellent at calming frazzled nerves). Jarvis turned on the lights without being asked, keeping them dim so that no one was stumbling around, blinded by the light. Bucky quickly toweled himself off and went over to Steve, trusting Silver to keep Shadow calm and comfort her.

           

            “What happened?” Steve asked in a hushed voice.

            Bucky explained as best he could, squeezing the water from his hair.

            “She just froze!” Bucky hissed. “Didn’t move a muscle! She just looked… she looked terrified Stevie.”

            Steve frowned, tapping the counter with his finger.

            “So she’s not only scared of needles and water… she’s also scared of lightning,” He muttered before grabbing three mugs. “What are we going to do?”

            Bucky was silent, watching Shadow and Silver with a sad look in his eyes.

            “Buck… what are you thinking?”

            “What if… what if we can’t… help her?” Bucky said in a weak voice. “What if we… what if she’s too far gone?”

            Steve placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

            “If I remember correctly, you’ve been with Hydra far longer than she has, and you’re recovering just fine,” He said, squeezing gently. “You had some rough patches, some that seemed to go on for miles, but you got through them. She will too. This is just a rough patch.”

            Bucky’s eyes teared up and he looked at Steve.

            “But… but what if we can’t give her the help she needs?” He asked.

            “Then we’ll give her what we can. It won’t be easy, but she’ll get through this.”

…

            Shadow sat on the couch, wrapped in a thick, warm blanket while Bucky towelled off her hair. She held the mug of hot chocolate in her hands and focused on Silver resting by her side, her nose pressed against her arm. Steve had put on a cartoon to drown out the sounds of the storm outside. She took a deep breath when Bucky pulled away and stared at the tv, watching without really paying attention to the mayhem that happened on screen. Bucky sat down beside her.

            “Hey, you okay?”

            She shrugged. What the fuck was she supposed to say? Oh ya, I’m fine, I just relived all the times I was forced into that chair and had my memories stripped away, one by one. That would go over well. Silver nosed her cheek, sniffling.

            “I’ll be fine,” She whispered, staring at the mug. “I just… remind me never to look at lightning… ever.”

            Bucky nodded solemnly and didn’t say another word. Steve on the other hand,

            “Well, we could watch a movie or something if you’d like. Might help take your mind off the storm.”

            Shadow remained silent for a few more minutes, sipping the hot chocolate (and scalding her tongue. Dumbass).

            “What movie were you thinking of?”

            Steve paused for a second before suggesting a fantasy film. Something that was apart from their world and had problems that seemed _way_ worse than the ones they were dealing with now. Shadow agreed and Bucky sighed in defeat when Steve went to grab… was that one of the Hobbit movies?

            “Goddamn, it Rogers,” Bucky grumbled, his head in his hands. “Have you no honour? No sense of kindness in that muscle bound body? Fucker.”

            Shadow sat up straight, watching Steve get the movie ready before he sat down next to Bucky with a shit eating grin. The film began with light airy music and Shadow payed Steve and Bucky no further attention.

…

            Shadow stared at Steve and Bucky with wide eyed wonder, bouncing in her spot.

            “That was so cool!” She gushed. “The eagles look so cool! And then there was the dragon! The fucking eye man! It was so fucking realistic! How’d they get that amount of detail in there?”

            Steve looked over at Bucky with a shit eating grin. He had to fight back the urge to smack him.

            “Can we watch the next one?” Shadow asked, hugging a pillow to her chest. “Please?”

            Steve got up and went to put on the next movie before Bucky could stop him. Oh no, oh dear god no. After Desolation of Smaug, there was Battle of the Five Armies, and that meant Bucky crying in the corner at the injustice of it all! Oh, sweet baby jesus no! But before Bucky could get up and stop Steve from putting it in, the movie was already playing and Bucky sank in his seat, dreading what was to come.

…

            “Is… is Bucky okay?”

            “He’ll be fine, he just needs to let it out.”

            Bucky was curled up on the couch crying into a pillow while petting Silver.

            “Does this… does this normally happen?”

            “When we watch the Hobbit trilogy? Yes.”

            Bucky glared at Steve with tearful eyes.

            “Fuck you, you asshole! You could’ve gone for a fucking Disney movie! But _no,_ you _had_ to go for the movies that crush my soul and eat it for second breakfast!”

            Steve glanced over to Shadow, trying to smother the look of glee.

            “So, what did you think of the movies?”

            Shadow hugged the pillow to her chest and smiled faintly.

            “They were good! I really liked the music, and the dragon was really cool! It does have a bittersweet ending… but I liked it,” She said with a smile, glancing over at Bucky. “I’m glad Bilbo got out okay. I thought Smaug was gonna fucking crush him.”

            Steve nodded and pat her shoulder gently before walking over to Bucky and picking him up, much to his dismay.

            “You try and get more sleep there soldier. You look like you could use it,” Steve said before bidding Shadow a good night and carrying Bucky away to their bedroom.

            Shadow shuffled to her bedroom and closed the door behind her before collapsing on the bed with a sigh. She buried herself in the pillows and closed her eyes, allowing sleep to claim her once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so we're finally here. Part two of a series I started ages ago.
> 
> So, some may have noticed that the original (posted shortly after the first story was finished) had been deleted some time back in October. There's a reason for that, I swear.  
> Basically, I got writer's block. Every time I looked at the story, I was stuck, and I didn't like how I had written the story so far. So, I deleted it and began anew. 
> 
> There are similarities, but this story is at a point where I'm much more confident about it and much more satisfied with how it's flowing. Is it perfect? Fuck no. No story ever is. But this is much better than what I had going before.
> 
> I'll try and post semi-regularly, like once every two weeks. I can't guarantee, but that's the goal.  
> I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, and I hope you'll enjoy every chapter after. If you don't mind, leave a comment, tell me how you feel as it always brightens my day to see feedback. Have a kick-ass day folks.


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